Sitting here writing this reflection on a shattered computer, the very computer I slammed down just before I heard the words “he’s dead”, that shattered our hearts.
And it’s still ticking, we’re still ticking…
A year ago we sat together as he shared his gratitude for me,
A year ago we spent Christmas together,
A year ago we spoke of me taking his son to South Africa in a few months,
And a year ago, today I received the tragic phone call that changed the trajectory of our lives forever…
And after today, there are no more, a year ago’s
It breaks my heart
And yet It’s broken me open…
I’ve felt and endured things I never thought imaginable.
Yet through it all, I found light
I will never forget that phone call, not believing it, and calling back and speaking to the police, screaming and crying so loud that all my neighbors could hear, walking aimlessly like I’d lost my mind, stepped into another reality, and I, we did…
And then having to call and tell my mother, her words, “No, No, No” and mine “I’m so sorry Mom, I’m so sorry” over and over again as my husband so gracefully; while bearing the same news, the same pain, gathered our things, told all our neighbors what the screaming was about, and we took off driving through both inner and outer fog.
And then meeting my niece at the door, only to be the pallbearer of tragedy.
We walked and walked in the cold January rain…
The hardest thing I’ve experienced and ever had to do in my life.
Sometimes it feels like it was forever ago, and sometimes like yesterday.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel real, and sometimes, reality hits so hard, I find it hard to breathe.
It’s been a tragic loss and a year spent processing it, and every day I understand more and more, how real it is, and that he’s not coming back to this time space reality.
He’s went onto another.
We didn’t have a choice.
And maybe in some spiritual way, it was his.
I don’t know.
But in my/our selfishness I/we wanted more time.
And what we’re left with, is our experiences with him, and the lessons and love we learned through them.
All of them.
Light and dark.
This is life.
And as Oprah said to me, we “now have an Angel we can call by name”
And his name is Chris (Chef) Traviss and today in whatever time space reality is blessed with his presence…
I know he fills it with life
And in the spirit of his legacy, last week, I asked all of you to share with me, What Your Vivid Life looks like, and I was overwhelmed with emotion to read each and every one.
And so today. In the spirit of his zest for life. As I promised, I share them with you:
“It’s so easy to be swept up in the businesses, distraction, and drama of life. I want to spend more time engaging myself and others in ways that create space for authentic connection and service to self, others and the world around me. There are several guiding questions that come up for me: “What do I observe and learn in the stillness?” “What experiences, people and places help me to feel open and awake?” “How can I be more loving, serving and human?”” Orson Morrison
“wake up to the lovely smell of coffee. Sun bathing and reading, preparing for a day of writing and creativity. Laughter and sharing with my partner. Engaging with my friends and my loved ones. Contentment for no reason. Joy for no reason. Being still and letting God work through me. Every day seems like an adventure, the mundane days and the incredible adventures out in the world that I get to experience. Life is luxurious, loving, permeating everywhere I go and everyone I talk to. Changing someone’s life. Bringing the world to a more joyful existence.” Maharani Ishaya
“my life is at its most vivid when I –
savour my food
feel my emotions
create with intention
honour my allies
immerse myself in nature
walk with bare feet
connect with water
*I chose just a few to keep this post short however please continue reading them here
Thank you to each and everyone of you who shared. And to those who didn’t get a chance. Please share in the comments below.