Two days ago as I drove along the highway home with my husband I said I wanted to die. Two years of a crazy fucking turbulent life and the suffering and anxiety that follow had taken a toll. I was exhausted, ready to give up, I wanted to die.
I didn’t feel my body, mind or soul could take anymore.
I wanted to check out.
Whatever agreement I had made with the Universe before I entered this crazy world I wanted ripped up.
Why me, why this suffering, why does my family have to be dragged through hell, why is my brother gone, why have I had to endure what I’ve endured, why do people believe things about me that aren’t true, why are their insecurities and inability to deal with their own pain being projected on me, why is my life being threatened, why does the world seem to be falling apart, why, why, why?
And breathe, eat a bag of chips, some hellava good dip and go to sleep Shayne!
Que the sun rising, the sounds of winter birds searching for seeds, the neighbor’s dog barking, the sound of a kettle squealing for too long, and my husband’s footsteps up the stairs as he brings me my morning coffee.
One day I was ready to fall apart, not long for this world and the next, as I wake up, and take a sip of my coffee my first thought “I wonder if my publisher has read my manuscript yet.” Then ding, a notification goes off on my phone, it was her.
After my day yesterday, and feedback I’d received from other author friends to “be prepared for your manuscript to be ripped apart”, and “don’t take it personally.” I held my breathe, opened my email and ta da!!!
I start to read … “Firstly, I wanted to say how much i enjoyed reading it you’ve done a great job and Shayne you should be very proud.” (and she’s British, LOL) My book is ready to go onto the next level! And my English teacher (one of those projecting their own insecurities and pain on me) said I’d never be a writer.
I’m sure you can imagine the tears streaming down my face right now and I couldn’t wait to share the news with you. Each of you, in your own way, have been an integral part of my story; whether my mom, mother in law, sister in law, niece, nephew, cousin, closest friend, acquaintance, Facebook friend, fan or stranger that’s emailed or commented on one of my reflections, you have been a part of my journey, story and growth. So I first want to say; Thank you, Thank you, Thank you and please save the Date Oct 15, 2019.
But the story doesn’t end there. As I float with joy from the glorious news that “they like me, they really, really, like me” and most importantly they got my message and you will to. Because it’s about radical authenticity and the quest to uncover our conditioning, break through resistance and free ourselves. (picture me running naked, barefoot in the forest, or maybe don’t, especially you Mom, LOL)
Ok back to the story…
“As I float with joy from the glorious news…” I open my phone to yet another message and this time it’s Miss OPRAH WINFREY with a private message congratulating me on my book, “quite an accomplishment.” she said. Wow Oh Wow! Every word she speaks is like thunder to my soul. Powered by spirit, spoken like a goddess
And as I’ve heard spoken from time to time in my circle, while listening to a podcast, watching Super Soul Sunday, or reading…
There are no coincidences “It’s God’s (the universes) way of acting anonymous.”
When I was in the depths of despair. Ready to give up. Someone, two women in this case (the universes way of acting anonymous), turned the light on my own awareness and reminded me, and now I reminding you, something that if we give ourselves the space to “be still and know” we already have the access to…
“you’ve done a great job”, “you should be very proud”, and this thing we call life, and our ability to turn wounds to wisdom from it is “quite an accomplishment”
SO DON”T GIVE UP!!!
We’re in this together,