I went out for the first time yesterday.
To dinner for a dear friends Birthday, 39.
My brother would have been 39 on his upcoming birthday, Feb 12.
She was actually his friend before mine, he used to buy her artwork in highschool and hand it in as his own 
So many mixed emotions.
Going back out into the world after such an impactful loss is strange.
I don’t feel like the same person in the same world anymore.
But my Brother was the life of the party, we are similar in that way.
Told, “we light up the room when we enter it”
And although my light maybe dim.
I summoned what is left to celebrate last night.
And then the moment came where I almost lost it , I closed my eyes and it’s as if I could feel his hand on my shoulder, and could hear his voice… “Smile, Smile with your entire body”
Instantly I was reminded of his contagious smile, and so I tried.
First with my mouth, then my eyes, and then with my whole body.
Tingles went down my spine and for just a moment I began to feel alive again.
And just that little ounce of joy gave me hope that there will be more, and so although I know the grief may never leave, that perhaps it will fade from a scream to a whisper, I will do my best, to, every time he crosses my mind…
SMILE 
We’re in this together,