You know what I’m talking about: over and again you find your same job with different people involved and maybe even a different set of responsibilities, yet the crazy dynamic is the same no matter where you go. Or the relationship that runs in the absolute same course, no matter how different the partner. The stress-bourne health situations that run in a cycle even when you commit to a change and even make the change…
I’ve had people tell me they think they are cursed. I’ve been the person who feels cursed.
After complaining for the umpteenth time about a life situation (the classic “Why does this keep happening to me?!” ) about 4 years ago a deftly genius friend who is also a brilliantly recognized psychologist said,”You know, the only common denominator is all of these events is YOU. Maybe its not them. Maybe its YOU?”
Of course it was me. And if you are in an endless “repeat” cycle of stuff you don’t want, maybe its you?
The cool thing is, once it’s you, and you see it clearly, you can really end the viscious cycle.
Do you have patterns you want to stop repeating?
I can tell you that it’s been way easier to spot patterns in other people that in myself. Priding myself on being so “open minded” and “constantly willing to grow” it’s made it harder to see my own real hand in the life cycles I’ve lived. I kinda faked my way out of seeing things clearly.
Here’s a great example. I have had a way in my past of attracting romance that moves at such a wicked rate- and often romance that reads like a fairy tale at first- that it became something I expected even though I didn’t want it. And it never ends well, I might add! No joke, they either tried to either move in, had me hopping on planes around the world, explained our past lives together, tried to convince me to have a kid after a few days of knowing them(after all, it was destiny!) or something else radical and hard to grasp within a week. One even created a life plan for us that involved my travelling around the world for 18 months and then adopting a village of children in Africa…after about a day of knowing him.
What is this?!
It was my own creation of fear. And ultimately led to such a false sense of a relationship that I felt fear to match my own assumption.
Rather than risk actually knowing someone for real I had a clever way of attaching myself to the fairy tale. Each and every time I could somehow feel it was “wrong” and found a way to blame each one for being somehow unstable… but the common denominator in all? ME!
Are you repeating patterns that seem like they are “just happening to you.”?
Are you creating them?
Are you ready to stop?
I spend an incredible amount of time by most American standards, at least, doing things like Buddhist chanting- at least an hour, sometimes two or three- and keeping a journal. Its the most valuable thing I do.
There’s a vital part Buddhist practice known as self-reflection. Notice I didn’t say “self-hatred” or “tearing-yourself-apart” or “self-controlling-to-the-pount-of-madness”?
The idea is that you can only take better steps forward now if you can actually see your life right now for what it is, and see clearly how you created your life right now with your actions in the past.
Self-reflection can be the deepest way to clear space in your life if you are willing to try it.
Keep a journal. Take walks. Be quiet. Ask yourself the right questions.
It’s hard. It can lead you to need to apologize to lots of people. You might need to forgive yourself. But if you keep doing it, and commit to being as present as possible in your life right now, you really can be free of the cycles that keep happening… because you’ll stop creating them, or picking them and blaming them.
That’s the grand view. The day-to-day view of this is much more of a process. Do it anyway. Its worth it.
The freedom you feel alone is incredible… but even more incredible is what you can bring into your life that is new (and very much more right for you!) once you break free. xoxo Dana