Chloe and Rick are giving their relationship another try. A year ago, they decided to break up because of incessant fighting. Both dated other people during this time apart and Chloe even moved in with her boyfriend. But they didn’t stop loving and missing each other. Finally, Rick called Chloe and admitted this. Now that Chloe has broken up with her boyfriend, she and Rick are taking things slowly. Their goal is to do things differently and this includes working hard on how they communicate with one another. The trouble is, they both feel cautious and tentative when together. This is confusing and Rick wonders if Chloe really wants to be with him. He’s worried that she regrets leaving a perfectly good relationship to reunite.
The past can be a tricky thing.
It’s there for all of us and it’s what has brought us to where we are today. There really couldn’t be a now without the past but…
What you think and believe about the past can become an obstacle to intimacy, trust and connection. When it’s allowed to, the past can make it impossible to really know your partner or even your current day self. It can breed suspicion, distance, jealousy and cause you to shut out the one you love.
No matter what your relationship status– if you are reuniting with your ex, starting over with someone new or trying to keep the spark alive in your love relationship or marriage– make it your priority to keep the past in the past.
There are many things about relationships that are beyond your control, but this is one thing you have TOTAL control over and here’s why…
You are the one who gets to choose what you focus on in your mind and in your talk.
“But the past IS important,” you might be thinking!
It’s understandable that you might be curious and interested to know what your partner did before you two got together. How sexually active was she? Has he ever been arrested or committed a crime? Has your partner ever been engaged, married or had children with someone else?
There are some big questions that you might want answered as you get to know someone new. There’s nothing wrong with asking for transparency, as long as it applies to both of you. There’s also nothing wrong with living according to your values and ethics and that might mean that you decide to stop dating someone because of his or her past
Have a conversation with your beloved and make an agreement– in advance– that you will be open and honest with each other and that you will each listen without judgment. You can also agree to not hold the past against each other.
What’s crucial for the health of your relationship is for you to commit to being aware of the past as you live fully in the present moment. If you’re going to be with this person, find a way to make peace with his or her and your past so that it doesn’t interfere with happiness now.
Make completions.
If it’s your past that you can’t seem to move beyond, come up with some completions that will help you heal and let go. Powerful completions are usually symbolic and connect to the past event. Burning old photos or letters in a fire pit is one way to make a completion with a past relationship. Packing up and giving away your wine glasses and beer mugs could be a completion if you abused alcohol in the past.
Whatever you do, make sure it is meaningful for you and helps you clearly differentiate that time in your life from what’s going on today.
Practice acceptance.
When your partner’s past is troubling for you, open up to acceptance. The fact is, you can’t change what your beloved chose to be or do in the past. You can’t alter his or her history. You can remind yourself that you don’t have to agree with or condone your partner’s past. You can accept that this is what happened and now it’s done and you can do so without condemning or acting superior.
Acceptance takes practice so keep bringing yourself back to the understanding that this was true for your partner then and it’s not true now. Again, if you absolutely cannot make peace with your partner’s past, it might be better for you both to end the relationship.
As you move through these processes to accept and release the past, you’ll find it has less emotional charge and hold over your life. You can more easily be present moment-focused and you can actually enjoy being in love with this special person.
Written by Susie and Otto Collins
As well as being soulmates, best friends and lovers, Susie and Otto Collins are breakthrough relationship coaches, speakers and authors of Magic Relationship Words, Should You Stay or Should You Go?, No More Jealousy and Automatic Attraction Secrets. For Susie and Otto’s free Passionate Spark~Lasting Love ebook, visit www.relationshipgold.com
2 comments
Hi. I have been with my now husband since we were 16 and are both now 38. We have 4 beautiful children but my husband does not trust me AT ALL!! He has told me several times that he cannot trust me because I will not confess that I cheated on him. Well we have been together for 21 years and I have never cheated on him not even before we got married. He however cheated a lot before he sewed his wild oats and we married. During our marriage about 4 years ago he found an email from a friend of mine that took some explicit pics of his private parts. Do not get me wrong this was not right at all so he NEVER believed I did not have anything going on with the guy he just knew I did. Nevertheless, I honestly did not the guy did it because he thought it would cheer me up since my marriage was such a wreck. That is seriously the most that I have done. We argue at least twice a week about him steadily accusing me of cheating and he continues. He thinks I sleep with people at work, even went as far to say that I was sleeping with my girlfriends!!! I do not know what to do, he has told me that he will never trust me because I lie to him so much!! I really do not want to be with him anymore but he will not let go! I pray every day that the Lord will do something that will get him out of my life for good. I do not even care about him being around for financial, emotional support for the kids because it is not worth the verbal abuse that I endure on a daily. In addition, I have told him this and he still won’t budge.. ADVICE???
Hello Ms. D.
The very first thing we remind you of is that YOU get to choose whether or not you will stay in your marriage. It sounds like your husband is dealing with some serious jealousy and mistrust issues that may (or may not) link back to his past infidelity. If you’re going to stay with him, it would be advisable for you two to work with a counselor or coach.
We also urge you to set some boundaries with him. Create agreements so that he knows it’s not okay to verbally abuse you. When he accuses you, try to remain calm and don’t get defensive. Breathe and remind him of the facts as you state what’s true for you– including how you feel when he wrongly accuses you of cheating.
Ultimately, if your relationship with him does not seem to be improving when you start responding differently, it might be healthiest for you (and your children too) for you to consider ending your marriage.
Best Wishes,
Susie and Otto Collins