Here’s the question I am holding in my life: How do we go through what feels like unbearable pain (loss, grief, sadness, fear, terror) without closing or disconnecting from our hearts? I wish I could say I was asking the question as a “spiritual teacher” exploring how to be helpful to others. But I’m not. I’m asking myself this question as one small human being who is in anguish, one woman who is facing the probable dissolution of her marriage, her shared home, her dream of being with a particular man for the rest of her life; as a person who, at moments, feels the unknown stretching out before her not (as has sometimes been the case) as an empty, fertile expanse of exciting possibilities, but as an abyss of pain and loneliness, as that which is terrifyingly unknowable.
I tried to write about something else today. I really did. But everything else came out as false. Because this is where I am: breathing through an ache in my chest that feels like it will split me open. The medical term “sucking wound” comes to mind as many breaths- conscious or not- are gasping, struggling, wet with tears. It feels like there is a gaping hole in my chest. Sometimes I’m numb with weariness and fear, sometimes frantic and driven by pain, and sometimes unable to reign in the mind that wants to move too quickly to definitive answers, possible explanations and concrete plans. But sometimes I am able to surround and hold the internal screaming with just one breath.
So, I’m paying attention to what makes it easier or harder to do that- to simply breathe without moving away from pain, without disconnecting from awareness of my own aching heart, stressed body and busy mind. Exercise helps, particularly rigorous exercise which grounds me, moves the pain out of my body and makes me pay attention to my breath. If you are someone who exercises regularly this is probably not news to you. But, for me (a woman who has only recently started to do a little exercise) how effective this can be is a bit of a surprise. Yoga, working out, or going for long walks seems to increase my capacity to at least slow down the mental hysteria. Similarly my usual daily creative and spiritual practices of writing, prayer and meditation help me stay connected to my heart without going into denial about what is happening and the anguish I am feeling. I am so grateful for the years of cultivating these practices. It would be difficult if not impossible to start a practice in the midst of this upheaval.
I’m not looking for advice,and I will not be sharing details of how Jeff and I got here. Both of us have skilled professional guides we see (and have been seeing for a long time) together and separately. But I am struck by how little the usual spiritual adages help. Like, “Be in the present moment.” The pain of the present is, at times, so overwhelming it makes it difficult to be anywhere else. It strikes me that the most helpful spiritual practices are the simplest. Like the prayer, “Help me,” or at most, “Help me, please.” Concepts like compassion and seeing the other as another myself while true, feel too lofty. More useful is the essence of all the spiritual ideas and practices I know to have some truth: kindness.
So, this is how I am going through my moments: I am paying attention to my breath, breathing into my heart, crying when I need to, talking to friends when I need to, exercising my body to stay here and reminding myself to be kind- to myself and to Jeff. Eating healthy food or going for a walk is being kind to me. Not dredging up the past and being careful about what gets discussed on the phone is being kind to both Jeff and me.
I do not know where what is happening will lead. From the perspective of this present moment, outcomes are unknowable. I suppose that is always true (although we often think we know where current decisions will lead.) It’s hard not to have clarity about what love is asking of me. But I am listening deeply when I can, and I have faith that there will be clarity, guidance, and a way to be true to the Sacred Presence that lives in each of us and holds us all.
This article first appeared in Oriah’s blog April 14, 2010
Oriah (c) 2010
9 comments
Dear beautiful being of light and love,
How this article struck with huge resonance for me. Today is exactly one week since my beloved husband, soul mate, dearest love departed this planet. He had been ill with cancer and was diagnosed with 6 months or less to live last June…..he managed 10 months. He followed the path of the shaman…both of us deeply spiritual….did everything we could to bring about his complete healing….the tumors in his brain were inoperable….I feel so lost without him, so alone. He has been around so much this week since his passing with such messages which bring sheer JOY to my heart. However, the pain of being without him is unbearable…
I am deeply saddened to read of your own pain….may we both heal…with time…..may we receive the loving support and guidance from the Divine to ease they way forward.
Sending you ALL Blessed LOVE Deni Webb Norfolk UK
thank you for your heart felt expression of the pain of separation and divorce.
Reading this today, is interesting. About 2 yrs ago, a relationship that I thought would be, ended. As I read your blog, I remember how I felt and you have it bang on. Grieving…an interesting process. I did close my heart but with a bit of help from such things as meditation, Reiki & Angel Healing, and a support group who would not let me get swallowed, today my heart is open and I am moving forward one step at a time. 🙂 Thanks for the repost on FB today. 🙂
Dear Deni, I am so sorry for your loss- how hard this must be. Mine was, of course, not a death (although there are similarities.) I asked Vividlife to add a line explaining that this piece was first written and published on my blog in April of 2010- and I can say that now, three years later, life is much easier. I do think we continue to miss loved ones long after they are gone, but the hurt is not so sharp, is more bearable and keeps our heart open to new joy. Sending prayers for you in this difficult time, Oriah
Oh blessings xxx Breathing into your heart and listening deeply are both great strategies you’re using – gentle but transforming. The other I found helpful was praying for my heart to be broken open, not closed – if that makes sense. I so did not want this pain to be a wasted lesson – wanted to grow and learn and evolve from what it brought (as much as I wanted it to stop). That’s all I have – it’s an ongoing process for so many of us now – learning to let go…… Much love, J xxx
How perfect to read this today. Sent to me just when I needed it as I have asked myself the very same question as I try to connect to my heart space and still my mind when the grief is so overwhelming and the pain debilitating. My beautiful Mother(65) passed away 8 weeks ago very suddenly of a heart attack. The one I tried to breathe life into for 20 mins before paramedics arrived. The only one I knew loved me unconditionally.
So like you beautiful Oriah good food, exercise, spiritual practice and crying out in prayer is all I have right now to sustain me and help the gift of grief heal me.
I was glad to read that 3 years on your path of healing has been made. With love light and richest of blessings from my heart to yours I say thank you.
This is the technique for getting through difficult emotions: save the mind from the thoughts, make it a physical process. Your thoughts will change when you make it a physical change and feel the pain and the rest of it as a physical phenomenon. It is not necessary to detach the mind, just put your mind on the physical symptoms and treat them successfully when possible, with physical remedies.
Tania, I am so sorry for your loss- and how sad that your mother passed too early. What a gift that you knew she loved you unconditionally- it took my breath away to read this. May that love sustain you. Sending prayers for an easing of your heart, Oriah
Thank you.. I am there too.