Beloveds, the following is an abridged excerpt taken from my latest book, Peace from Broken Pieces. As we all try to find the right words and actions following the tragedies of Newtown, Connecticut, I had to go back and re-read this chapter. These words brought peace to me and I hope they will for you as well. It’s from Chapter 19: Starting Over and it’s not the entire chapter, but I felt there was enough here to help. With Love, Iyanla
When did I get lost?
How did I get lost?
How long have I been lost?
Was I ever found?
I have discovered that life doesn’t actually knock you down. It does, however, provide you with many opportunities to evaluate your standing in life: what you stand on, what you stand for, how you stand within yourself and for yourself. When you’re standing is weak, you don’t get knocked down. You fall down. You trip over the fallacies and fantasies that you have created or inherited. You slip on your dysfunctional puzzle pieces and your distorted sense of self. 
Sometimes, if you are lucky, you fall when no one is looking, so you can limp away and lick your wounds privately. More often than not, though, you fall in front of other people, and your dress flies up over your head, exposing your ripped panties to the spectators who are doing their best not to laugh at you. Those who do not laugh, but rush to help you up, often have no idea that your ego is more bruised then your knees.
As a result of my public fall from television, I discovered that what I was standing on was quicksand. Thank goodness there were two things I could grab onto and pull myself out of the pit. The first thing I grabbed onto was my unequivocal desire to serve God. The second thing was the love and support of the women in the community in which and through which I served God.
Lydia ran my household. Almasi, Helen, and Deanna kept my business and ministry afloat. Yawfah, Rene, and Vivian kept reminding me that Gemmia’s transition, the dissolution of my marriage, and the shift in my career were not my fault. Shaheerah and Raina told me over and over again that there was something extraordinary that I was being prepared for, and the only thing required of me was to keep my heart open and my mind at peace. All I was experiencing was teaching me to become fully reliant on my inner authority, the power of God within me.
It was a hard pill to swallow. Did my daughter need to die in order for me to become a better person? Did my husband need to reject me and dishonor our commitment so that I could have a greater purpose in life? Wrong questions! The greater, grander, deeper inquiries I needed to make of myself were: what am I being asked to practice? What character values in my being asked to embody? What service can I offer the world as a result of the lessons I am learning? The answers to these questions and many more came in the form of a telephone call from the executive producer of the television program called Starting Over.
The year before she made her transition, Gemmia has insisted that I throw my hat into the ring to be considered as one of the life coaches in Starting Over. I wasn’t interested. I had already been burned. And there were still remnants of shame from my Oprah experience lingering around the edges of my ego.
Gemmia would not take no for an answer. When the producers called me, I was shocked. They were interested. I was ambivalent. I made my decision when they asked that I come live in Chicago that winter in order to shoot the first season of the show. I don’t do cold! Not the Chicago kind of cold. Besides that, my husband had moved out, and I had a Oluwa to consider. By the time the second season rolled around, the show was moving to Los Angeles. They still have my application from the first season. Was I interested?
Not really. I had buried my daughter six months earlier. I had a 12-year-old grandson to raise. I was the closest thing that my granddaughter had to her mother. Even if I could work out all of the other loose ends, I could not leave Niamoja…..
… One day I sat down and had a conversation with my brother friend Rev. Michael Beckwith. After I shared my story with him and asked him if I was moving in the right direction, he not only supported me, he encouraged me to do it all in the name of Gemmia. He said, follow the Buddhist tradition of taking your sorrow and sadness and doing something positive with it in the name of someone you love. That is exactly what I did for two seasons on starting over. Those were the two most productive and healing years of my life. Even so, they were just preparation for what was to come next.
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About Iyanla Vanzant
Iyanla Vanzant, accomplished author, inspirational speaker, talk show host and living testament to the value in life’s valleys and the power of acting on faith, goes behind closed doors and deep inside people’s lives for emotional, riveting conversations in the new hit series- Iyanla: Fix My Life
Iyanla has had a unique life filled with many personal struggles, which she has overcome and used to become stronger. Now, she’s back, helping people fix their lives, using her past to help others’ futures. Secrets will be revealed, truths will be uncovered and emotions will come out as Iyanla teaches us how to pull back the curtain on what is broken in our lives.
Iyanla: Fix My Life is produced by Harpo Studios. Join the conversation on Twitter using #FixMyLife
Read more: http://IyanlaFixMyLife.com/
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Written by Iyanla
Iyanla Vanzant, accomplished author, inspirational speaker, talk show host and living testament to the value in life’s valleys and the power of acting on faith, goes behind closed doors and deep inside people’s lives for emotional, riveting conversations in the new hit series- Iyanla: Fix My Life
Iyanla has had a unique life filled with many personal struggles, which she has overcome and used to become stronger. Now, she’s back, helping people fix their lives, using her past to help others’ futures. Secrets will be revealed, truths will be uncovered and emotions will come out as Iyanla teaches us how to pull back the curtain on what is broken in our lives.
Iyanla: Fix My Life is produced by Harpo Studios. Join the conversation on Twitter using #FixMyLife
11 comments
Hi Ms. Vanzant,
I have been a big fan of your since seeing you on the Oprah Winfrey Show many years ago. I am so glad that you have since returned even bigger and stronger and feel that you are a GODSEND to the black community. I say that because we need to be shown that despite the things that may occur within our community and within our personal self, we can still have the ability to overcome it and still maintain our place in Gods grace. I believe your story needs to be told about your life and I believe then the people of the black community will open up more and accept that things in life happens and that it can be overcome.
Your life is such a gift, Iyanla. I’m so sorry that your beloved, Gemmia, transitioned, and that your marriage came to an end. And I am super grateful that you took Dr. Beckwith’s advice, and continue to do your work in the world, in your daughter’s name.
I was so delighted to see you and Oprah heal your relationship on tv, and that you are now working together on OWN. Iyanla, Fix My Life, is a victory for us all!
Much Love, Simone
Ms. Vanznat..my broken pieces have found serenity in your message(s). Thank you! YOU are an inspiration. If only you can understand how your teachings have changed my life. Truly humbled.
thank you , you saved my life
Iyanla,
You’ve always put words to what I am feeling and where I need to go. I am thankful to God for all the ways your gifts inspire many of us to stay on course with our destinies.
Iyanla, I can’t imagine how tough it was for you to go through all these events, yet your emerged so powerfully. Your point about being fully reliant on your inner authority and the power of God within you is especially poignant for me. I am undergoing some personal challenges in life, and your post lifted my spirits. Thank you.
Dearest Iyanla,
You are my rolemodel and inspiration! No matter what challenges entered your life you continue to share your gifts to all of us! I am truly humbled! Blessings to you always!
I could not have done it with out you. thank you for saving my life.
I first saw you when i was 17 at home on maternity leave really wanting to go to the starting over house bc i was so lost by being a single mother. i never forgot your face and now that i am 27 i then needed some guidance bc everything i believed in had just moved from under me and i had to build all over again. i then again wanted to go to the starting over house. seeing that the show was not on again i looked for your books and inspiration to help me start over. you are a blessing to me bc i lived in my “basement” (in the meantime) for 1 1/2 years. i want to say that i thank you! i love you bc you helped me in a way that not even the closet person could.
I first discovered you 14 years ago while scanning a book shelf at a local book store and came across your book “Acts of Faith”. I have always regarded that book as the book of “things mama never told me”.
After reading the book, I felt I was ready to face the world especially the world of dating, relationship and men. Boy was I wrong. Even after all these years I just ended yet ANOTHER failed relationship. I have finally realised that everything I thought I knew I did not. I have started yet another journey of self discovery but this time I have made a commitment to learn the lesson before moving on. I realise that I have some serious cleaning to do. Cleaning that I have being neglecting and running from for at least 2 decades that I need to confront now. I still have “Acts of Faith” to guide me but just today I ordered “In the Meantime” and “Living through the meantime” as additional support.
Thank you for the work that you do, for your guidance and teaching. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
I love you Ms. Vanzant…your teachings if utilized, are are first like a cleaner, CITRATE…then, once digested… a col refreshing drink of LEMNONADE…Ms. Vanzant you are so loved and appreciated greatly…God Bless You.