I almost never watch the news. It is simply to . . . negative. And, while I know these things are going on in the world, I also know that I will know what I need to know. Being bombarded with horror stories of how we live and the things we do to one another is not my drug of choice. This was not the case with the Olympics. I was compelled to check in each night in order to track the progress of certain individuals and the US teams. I was delighted to hear the news about Gabby, the first African American female to win a gold medal for gymnastics. Then . . . I read the blogs on the Internet about her hair.
I must confess about the time in my life when there was very little about myself that I liked or found worthy. I was critical of my physical body, my accomplishments and almost everything else about my existence. During that experience of myself everything that I thought was wrong with me, I saw as wrong with everyone around me. It was the motivation for my criticism of my children, my partner and every aspect of in my life.
I hated myself and found a reason to hate something about everyone and everything. It is called projection. It was a function of my judgments about myself.
After many years of deep personal and spiritual work, I came to the awareness that I had been taught by my care-givers, society and myself to see myself as less-than, un-worthy, ugly or just plain-old bad. I had been taught to hate myself. It was the way my mind had been “conditioned” to see the world around me and myself. It manifested as an expectation of the worst and a habit of being critical.
It was a difficult process to unlearn what I had been conditioned to believe was true and teach myself to choose to see things in a better light. As long as I hated myself I could not see the loving essence of anyone or anything. I could not accept or receive the good around me. Once I chose to be okay with my body and my face and my size and my voice and my mistakes and my needs and my desires, things and people started to look different.
As a woman of color this was no easy feat! I grew up in a time when it was not fashionable to be of a darker hue, to have Negroid features, to have short or kinky hair or to be intelligent. There was no Essence magazine with images of beautiful Black women. There was no Oprah Winfrey Show hosted by a “substantial” woman of power and means. There was no Botox allowing people to plump their lips or implants to fatten their booties.
I grew up in a time when everything about me was less than and, unattractive. My mind was conditioned to believe that the messages with which I was bombarded were real. I had to learn to choose another truth.
As I read the stories and commentary about Gabby’s hair I was overcome with sadness. I felt the familiar pangs of criticism and the devastation it visited upon my life and self-image. I wondered if those who saw Gabby’s hair as more important than her accomplishments had been “conditioned” to hate themselves, projecting it outward or, if they were “choosing” to be critical? I wondered if they knew the difference? I wondered if the people who saw Gabby’s hair as an issue knew or understood the power of communal prayer, communal affirmation and communal celebration? Or, if they, like, me had been conditioned to see what was “wrong” instead of what was possible and good?
When I first heard of Gabby’s win, my heart swelled with pride, not just because she was African American or female. I was proud because I realized that her great, great, great grandmother had survived impossible circumstances on a ship, on a sale block, on a plantation and in a field to provide Gabby with the opportunity to stand before the world as a winner. Gabby’s win made her grandmother’s and my grandmother’s life, suffering and endurance meaningful.
You see I believe we are standing on the shoulders of those who came before us; those who gave their lives so that our lives would be better. Faith and love and prayer strengthened their lives. No one really cared about the condition of their hair. Why would we choose to make it an issue?
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About Iyanla Vanzant:
Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.
Iyanla has recently appeared several times during Oprah’s Lifeclass webcast segments. You can view the classes here: http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/oprahs-lifeclass.html
Iyanla has a new show, set to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Network, called “Iyanla, Fix My Life!”. To learn more about it and apply to be on Iyanla’s show and have her help you, please visit http://www.oprah.com/ownshow/index.html?team_type=HarpoStudios
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Written by Iyanla
Iyanla Vanzant, accomplished author, inspirational speaker, talk show host and living testament to the value in life’s valleys and the power of acting on faith, goes behind closed doors and deep inside people’s lives for emotional, riveting conversations in the new hit series- Iyanla: Fix My Life
Iyanla has had a unique life filled with many personal struggles, which she has overcome and used to become stronger. Now, she’s back, helping people fix their lives, using her past to help others’ futures. Secrets will be revealed, truths will be uncovered and emotions will come out as Iyanla teaches us how to pull back the curtain on what is broken in our lives.
Iyanla: Fix My Life is produced by Harpo Studios. Join the conversation on Twitter using #FixMyLife
6 comments
Thank you, Iyanla for this wonderful commentary. I, too, was saddened when I read comments about Gabby’s hair. My heart ached for her and the significant achievement she made to be abused in this way. Although I did not have the SAME self image struggles you had as a child, I still had them. I have a caramel complexion and supposedly “good” hair but I did not fit in with my neighbors and family members. I was made fun of because of my wide nose and skin color. I wanted the hair that could be pressed straight by any means necessary. So when I hear people degrade such a wonderful celebration into something about hair, I just want to SCREAM!! I pray that we are on to a new revolution and realize that hair is just that. It is not life, it is not love, it is NOT WHO I AM.
Self hatred can be a choice made after you have been abused and still can get the abuser out of your head. When you pull the abuser out, how ever long it takes you still need to know it may linger till you make the choice not to be abused anymore. For me it has been alot of rehealing, because “certain people” can’t understand to leave it alone. It is like they didn’t see the healing so they just got to pick at it. It is annoying till you remember your not responsible to drag them to where your healing has taken you. For me the weight of the abuse and all the fall out has been to much for the body to bare.
I now have Degenerative Disc Desease, the spine is basically falling in on itself. Have one or more people terrified I will end up in a wheelchair, I said so I’ll have wheels under me and I won’t need a licence to drive. Have to see a program called Push Girls, inspiring. Some nice wheel chairs, and beautiful women.
After you find the brightside it is easier. Hair will grow back, the heart need to heal the wound and realize that people who strike out at you need pity and prayer. What hit them so hard in their life they have to hit first. Pray they heal, set your boundry and do not let them cross it until they can stop damaging you.
Iyanla,
I do agree with your commentary but I wish we would stop discussing this topic for now and just let Gabby Douglas be great and recognized for the exceptional athlete that she is and the fact she is the fourth US Gymnast to win an All-Around since Mary Lou Retton in 1996 and first African-American to win.
The more we talk about this the less the media is focusing on her accomplishments. If you google Gabby, the focus is on her hair, mother’s bankruptcy and her father. In the meanwhile, Ally Raisman is taking the spotlight and no one remotely remembers or can name gymnasts who won individual performances. Gabby had such a great accomplishment and I hate to see it overshadowed by these other distractions. And Ivanyla, I know you didn’t create this situation but I’m sure are all too familiar with these “distractions” when our community achieves greatness.
I also feel that this was overblown. It started with a few twitter comments that a blogger picked up and the media ran with it and all of a sudden it was headline news. The positive commnents far outweighed the negative so why is it all of a sudden front page news what “some” black women think.
Honestly, I think it was meant to overshadow that fact that NBC used a commercial with a monkey doing gymnastics after a interview with Gabby and many whites were calling her a monkey. I guess they needed to focus on something else. 🙂
Thank you for this, Iyanla. As I read your comments, I found myself “checking in” to see how far I have come on my own journey because these body image issues also affect men. I too saw Gabby’s accomplishments in a positive light and saw all about her and what she achieved as beautiful and powerful. When I heard folks were beginning to comment on her physical appearance, I was like “Huh?” and it saddened me. I also saw detractors begin to focus on her mother and her life as well – again, didn’t get it. Now, you have added some context and I see – it makes perfect sense, this conditioning and acceptance of self-hatred of tearing ourselves down for so long that it seems natural to react in toxicity to others rather than simply accepting what is and celebrating Gabby and the awe and beauty of her accomplishments. Thank you again.
Ilyana, I’m deeply touched today- not sure this is the place to write this because it is not directly connected with what you have written on your blog and yet it is. I live in Israel and was born is South Africa. I have so much to say – don’t know where to start!
Here we see Oprah on t.v but we see old programs – today you were on talking about your book ….I have seen your book many times – have not read this one yet…have read others if yours….but I see your book over and over again when I perp to see if someone has put up a comment about my book…From Pieces To