I was recently discussing a so-called “relationship problem” with a young lady.
She is 35 years old and though she says that she desperately wanted to be married with children by now, it hasn’t happened.
This relationship goal of hers has been her target for a dozen years, and each year that “happily ever after” life has eluded her she has grown more unhappier with her life.
She complains that all the single men that she meets turn out to be “losers”.
(Another unhappy relationship pattern of hers is an angry rage pattern of verbal attack that she explodes into when her expectations are not met in a relationship.)
I tried explaining to her that the longer she waits for her life to improve her emotional state, her pattern of unhappiness grows more and more deeply engrained. This means that she will feel increasingly trapped in unhappiness under all conditions.
She insisted that her unhappiness is a result of her not being in a loving relationship and she continued to blame her anger and melancholy on the men who have let her down.
I told her, “While you believe that your despondency would instantly lift if you could just have a happy marriage, you would find out very quickly that your sorrow and anger returns even if you did meet man of your dreams. Why? Because your negative emotional pattern is habitual.”
As long as we make our unhappiness someone else’s responsibility, or blame it on our life-conditions, we cultivate an unhappy attitude that seems more and more inescapable.
Another factor at play here has to do with the so-called “losers” she is attracting.
As long as we remain in a negative emotional state, we really cannot attract or find positive, emotionally healthy people to bond with.
We repel emotionally healthy people on a conscious or subconscious level, because our attitude problem “radiates” and others “pick up on” the negative emotional imbalance we live in.
Do YOU suffer from UNCONDITIONAL unhappiness?
The way out begins as you take responsibility for your emotional reactions and attitudes toward life and toward people, instead of regarding your circumstances or another person as responsible for how you feel.
The next step is to examine your attitudes and emotional states until you recognize how your negativity, not your circumstances, is really all that stands in the way between you and happiness.
The third step is to patiently and persistently work on being more aware of your feelings and your attitudes, so you can practice being a little LESS angry and unhappy and free yourself from the habit of unhappiness, little by little, everyday.
As a result, you will find your life to be more beautiful just the way that it is, you will attract “better” people into your life, and you will be more emotionally stable and resilient if you do find a real “winner” of a mate for a healthier, happier marriage.
About Bob Lancer:
Bob Lancer is a relationship expert specializing in guiding couples in the resolution of conflicts for the enrichment of their relationship, and guiding individuals to follow a proven strategy for for finding the love of their lives. He presents private consultations and inspiring Love-Life seminars around the world. His best selling book is, The Soulmate Process, and he has produced dozens of Relationship Wisdom CD’s. See his website at http://www.thebestmarriageadvice.com.
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