PART 2- Taking the leap, reclaiming my personal power and trusting that everything would work out really pays off.
It took me two weeks to tell my husband what I had been feeling. We waited until after we put the children to bed and I sat on the couch in complete fear. I was afraid that hurting my husband would be so unbearable that I would fall right back into the compromise again. I had prayed for a gentle release from the promises that we had made to each other and had asked God to put him in a space where he felt released and was no longer angry, resentful, and desperate. I asked for us to be freed of any negative karma that might even be holding us together. I wanted my husband to know that what I was doing was for his happiness as well as my own.
My prayers had been received because my husband was very receptive to my request for Divorce. He agreed with me that we had lost what we had and had agreed to move forward saying that he just wanted me to be happy and that he would do whatever I asked. I was quite surprised, but thankful at the same time and I cried for two days just to be released from all of the emotion that had built up over the two weeks.
To me it felt like this was a miracle because he had been so very angry and resentful before my trip. He had been growing more and more unhappy in his life and no matter how many times I had requested that we see a couple’s councilor, he just wasn’t buying it. Seeing his calm and peaceful attitude toward this situation really made me feel confused and I kept wondering over and over again if I was making a mistake.
I told my Mother about my situation and at first had felt a lot of much needed support. Over the next few days however, she kept calling me and asking me for more details. She was confused and saddened, as we all were, that things were working out in this way. Everyone loved my husband, and for good reason. He was a very nice guy, great to be with and pretty reliable too. No one could fathom what I had been dealing with because I had internalized it so much and for so long. Now that I look back on it, this was actually helpful because it really caused me to be reliant on myself for my decision. Feeling a need to be supported is natural because we all want to know that we are doing the right thing. But no one on this planet can possibly understand what is best for you except YOU. This is something I knew and believed, yet still struggled with. I was really forced to trust the unknown for the first time in my life and I really hoped that I had the strength to walk this road alone if I had to.
It took many conversations before I could feel fully supported by my family. I asked friends for help in finding a mediator because my husband and I had realized after one failed attempt at conversation over the “details” that we would need someone to help us keep it calm.
There was one very good thing that was working for us, and that was our combined love for our children and our concern about making this work in a positive way for them. My sister had been through a messy child custody battle and we had no desire to put the children through that nightmare. We were as respectful as we could be and as polite as possible to each other. You might say that this was helpful to our overall relationship because we were so focused on being nice to each other that we never really had any more arguments. Because we had released ourselves from the need to care whether or not the other person was going to do this or do that, we also released ourselves from the constant arguments that kept popping up in our lives.
I took the children on a couple of out-of-town trips by myself, and began to really think about life as a single parent. I started looking into how I would house them, where I would live, how I could make it work. There were times that I was petrified at how it was all going to turn out. I would have conversations with my husband about this and found him to be very supportive. He felt confident that we would be okay no matter how things turned out between us because we had such a solid friendship which served as a foundation to build on. I began to look forward to planning this new way of being, but I was still sad that we would have to say goodbye to all of the dreams we had been having together.
We found the mediator and I visited her first, spending an hour describing to her how I had come this far. We discussed the trigger to my upheaval and she reiterated for me how open my heart had become and how free I had felt and that my soul wants nothing but to soar free this way. I agreed and remembered how strange my house had felt to me when I had returned home. I had honestly felt that my being was too large to squeeze into my tiny space. I felt cramped, limited and dark there.
I worked extra hard at meditation routines, exercise routines, and began losing weight. I felt like I was in training, and I guess I was. It was having an impact. The children began to notice things were different and couldn’t quite put their finger on it. One night, Maggie said to us, “Well I know you are tucking us in, and saying the prayer and everything but there still just seems to be something missing.”
Let me tell you that as parents of intuitive children, it is very difficult to look them in the eye when they outright know that something is amiss. I was constantly feeling the need to reinforce my reasons for changing the family dynamic and my husband’s behavior was making that more difficult.
He was being quite a stand-up guy. He was very polite, and started doing more chores. For the first time he was cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry and really taking an active role in the children when they got home from school. He started playing his guitar again. He was doing all the things that made him who he was and I was honestly getting quite resentful that he had to wait until I was divorcing him to be this kind of person.
Yet he still supported plans for divorce without even struggling so I felt that it was all working out the way it should. I believed that he was experiencing his happiness again because I had basically released him from his misery. He visited with our mediator and explained that he loved me and that he understood why I was doing what I was doing but was still surprised at the suddenness of it. He didn’t necessarily want to go through with divorce, but ultimately he wanted me to be happy and had begun to see that he had been living his life asleep to his condition.
And during all of this, we can’t forget my friend in Greece. My friend, who… as the Universe would have it… became quite involved in a huge revolution that broke out in Athens the day after I left. Conversations became extremely erratic and he seemed to be avoiding me quite a bit. After I had left Athens, in the last actual conversation that I had with him, I confessed how I had been feeling towards him. I mean, here is this “random” person that I “happened” to connect with in what felt to be a very purposeful way, and to have this meeting be the trigger to these life-changing events… well I really wanted to continue contact with my friend. Of course! I was hoping that we could become better friends and perhaps see each other again some day. However, it seemed that perhaps I had scared him when I had been honest about my personal situation since contact with him steadily became less and less after that.