I recently discovered that one of my soul languages was that of a Lawmaker. When I first received the analysis with this title I thought “that doesn’t fit me.” After some reflection on the description and voice of that particular soul language, I settled in to accept indeed it did resonate with a piece of who I am. The Lawmaker is a master at helping others create and live by rules that bring them inner peace. In some ways the lawmaker is also a pioneer who is not afraid to blaze a new trail and challenge the status quo in order to create order and peace within. Yet every coin has two sides. The Lawmaker can also have an under tone language of judgment, criticism and rigidity. I guess I had to accept that part of my language too if I wanted to be true to who I am. I can see how I have allowed the Lawmaker in me to create rules for myself and others that created inflexibility and too much structure.
Discovering just one of my soul languages allowed me to really delve deep into my soul to explore the other languages of my soul as well as examine this one further. During my journey inward I saw exactly how I let the Lawmaker in me create rules that inhibited growth and expansion because a rule is a rule right? I clearly see the rules I set in place that really only gave me control and not the peace I desired. How many of these rules have you set for yourself that may be giving you the opposite of what you desire?
- I have to be right in most situations.
- I have to show up in the world like I have it all put together.
- I set standards very high for myself and sometimes feel defeated when I do not meet them.
- Everything has to be perfect and in order.
- When someone doesn’t follow my rules it makes me upset.
- Everything has to be planned to go right.
- I’ll just do it myself if I expect for it to be done right.
- It’s okay for me to set someone straight if I am speaking the truth.
- I’ll only let people get so close before I put up a wall.
- Sometimes I know what is best for other people so I should tell them.
These spoken and unspoken rules once were a part of my daily life until I realized that I was creating my own chaos and holding others captive in my rigid standards and ideals. The essence of each of these rules is control. When you have the need to control you are really afraid of losing control and being vulnerable. It appears easier to engage with rules such as these yet that is so far from the truth. The truth is these rules and any like them keep you from focusing on you which is the only person you can ever control. Subscribing to these types of standards are counter productive and give you exactly the opposite of what you really desire. They set you up for frustration, guilt, regret, anger and self-sabotage. So why do we set these types of rules for ourselves? The answer is quite complex but in its simplest essence we set create them out of fear. To better explain my point let’s examine the underlying message in each one of the rules.
- I fear looking like a fool or incompetent so I have to be right.
- I fear people will see my flaws and not approve of them or like me so I have to put on masks.
- I fear being weak or seen as not good enough so I must over achieve.
- I fear what people might think if I do not appear to have it all together.
- I fear losing control and to keep control within myself I must control others.
- I fear being vulnerable and feeling out of control when things are spontaneous. .
- I fear letting other people have control of how things should turn out. .
- I fear my own truth so it’s more comfortable to focus on the truth I want to impose upon others. .
- I fear letting people see the real me and being vulnerable enough to open my heart.
- Sometimes I fear I don’t know what I need so I focus on others to remain in denial of my own insecurity.
These undertones of fear fuel how we think, feel, engage with ourselves and others and how we show up in the world. The false sense of control actually fuels more chaos instead of creating space for clarity, confidence and or courage. There is no such thing as perfection. We are imperfectly perfect and it’s our flaws that make us fabulously unique. Trying to control others is simply a waste of precious time and energy that you will never get back. I challenge you to use your time and energy more wisely and examine the spoken and unspoken rules you have set in place for yourself and others and determine whether they are creating chaos or confidence and courage. Just as you created these rules you can deconstruct them and create new ones that release you from the stress, struggle and strife and allow others to simply be who they are.
We’ve been told so many times in our lives that rules are not to be broken and that we must obey the laws of society. While I believe this to be true to a certain extent, don’t they also say rules are meant to be broken? It’s time for you to break the rules! Take sometime today and embark upon a honest journey inward and discover how the Lawmaker language in your life is either setting you up for success or stressing you out. The brilliant thing about the Lawmaker language is that when used with mindfulness and intent you can create order based on your deepest desires and peace on your own terms while releasing the pressure, pain and frustration. As you begin to make new rules to create inner calm, clarity, confidence and courage consider the following ideas.
- You don’t have to be anything but you and it’s safe for you to show up as you are.
- You are good enough just as you are; there is no such thing as perfection.
- Let other people be who they are; everyone’s truth is different.
- It’s safe to make mistakes and allow others to make mistakes.
- You deserve to allow love into your space; don’t deny yourself this experience.
- You choose how you feel and respond and the only person you can control is yourself.
- Love is the antidote for fear and being vulnerable is a human experience.
- Don’t take yourself too serious and laugh at yourself sometimes.
- Failure is not the end it is simply feedback for your next steps.
It’s your life so create rules that bring you what you deeply desire. Have fun, get creative, let go of the control and let love in with wild abandonment. Profound and lasting inner peace is achieved when you know who you are, accept who you are, celebrate who you are, show up just as you are and allow others to do the same.
Catrice M. Jackson, M. S., LMHP, LPC
International Speaker, Fear-Free Living Expert and Author
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