So, you have chosen the spiritual path. You feel empowered, free, awesomely happy and delighted to be alive and you evolve, you grow, you become more, and BOOM!
Suddenly one day you fall, you fall deep down in darkness and despair, and you wonder “what’s just happened??”
Thinking that isn’t the way of God suppose to be a joyful one? Truth is, that it is, but it’s like the saying about the diamond; that “a diamond is a chunk of coal that is made good under pressure”.
You are going though a period of spiritual purification, and while in the midst of it, it feels like your world is falling apart and nothing makes any sense anymore. I mean nothing makes any sense anymore. You even question if there is any God after all, and you curse in intensive anger towards this God who was suppose to bring you peace; Well, where it is then?? You feel very, very sad, have feelings of hopelessness and feel deeply disconnected from all the wonderfulness you experienced only a moment ago.
This is what’s going on:
While you are going through a transformation, your ego is dying. It is really dying, and who wouldn’t protest if we were in danger of dying? While spirit is emerging and taking you to a higher level of consciousness the ego is being left behind, and it become scared of loosing its home; you.
It will do whatever it can to make you stay on the level of awareness where you currently are, and it is doing everything in it’s power to make you feel you need it. That what you need and want is something the world can give you. But the world cannot give you what God gives you. God is the only source there is, and even if you feel panic dwelling up, please remember that you are not alone on the path that you have chosen.
Please remember: This is all a really good thing.
I can testify that it is good, even when it feels like the world is crushing and we see no way out, I promise you that it is all for your highest good. I have gone through these periods in the past where I have literally been on my knees, crying and feeling completely abandoned by God.
Now I recognize the periods and I get through them faster, but they are still very painful.
It’s a process that everyone who has seriously chosen the spiritual path in life goes through at some point in their evolutionary journey, and it can take years for some, the periods come and go, while for some it’s a few nights of very, very deep spiritual depression or crisis.
But it is all a good thing.
I know this, and I want to encourage you, if you are going through something similar, to understand that it is temporary, even if it feels like it will never end. Even when all you feel like is to go to bed and just sleep through it all, or even feel like you never want to wake up again. There will come a brighter day, I promise.
And I also promise that when the day comes, it will be brighter than the days you have ever had before. I promise you this. It is all worth it, so stay strong and faithful.
It’s very important for your own personal growth that you don’t resist the process. The void is not to be avoided, but embraced.
Sometimes the purification we go through is shown as physical symptoms:
- Severe headaches, back pain for no reason at all, and sometimes intensive periods of only one or two days of a flu-like symptom where you are totally collapsed, body feeling sicker than ever before.
Know that if you have chosen the spiritual way of living, and if you have asked for your ego to be undone, and you have prayed to awaken and to be transformed, and you suddenly experience something like this, think for yourself if it can be spiritual growing pain. Go within and ask if it could be it. It probably is. If you want to awaken to your true self, you have to expect and accept the fact that the ego will not give up easily.
I know, it’s easier said than done, but the easiest way through it is to just surrender to the process.
Let spirit lead you through it, and know that even if it feels you are “forsaken”, you are not. You are being held by the hand. You truly are. You will know it when you have passed through it to the other side.
What to do when going through these periods? What to do when praying and meditation just doesn’t feel good or right anymore, what to do when reading inspirational stuff just doesn’t seem to interest you anymore as it did before..?
What to do when all you want to do is to go to sleep and hope for a better day tomorrow?
Well; what not to do is to try to fix it somehow. To not desperately try to take control of the situation and become almost hysterical about looking for ways out. All those things are actions made from a place of ego. Out of fear.
What I have learned is to surrender to all of it. It’s a practice, and we surrender and take it back, surrender and take it back. But the taking back-part becomes less and less as we grow.
Say out loud:
“I surrender all this to you God! I don’t know anything anymore, I simply don’t know anymore God, so I leave ALL MY LIFE IN YOUR HANDS, all of it”.
Just surrender. I mean it. You can’t possibly know which way to go or what to do, because the world you are now entering is new to you, you can’t know anything about it because you haven’t been there yet.
So surrender and let your self be LEAD to it, because you truly are not alone. I promise you that. Just let go.
Let yourself be lead through it without interference from the ego, welcome the transition and the journey to the next level of your consciousness will be less painful.
All really is well.
Maria Erving is a Personal Development Teacher, Spiritual Counselor, Reiki Master and Published Author.
For more information about Maria, please visit her blog at http://mariaerving.com/about-maria/
Written by Maria Erving
Energy Healer and Teacher. I help people connect with their flow so that they can work with life and not against it. VISIT: www.MariaErving.com
53 comments
God knew I needed to read this tonight because I’ve been going through this in a bad way lately. Feeling like there is NO point to anything anymore and not sure what to do about it. I am on a spiritual journey and lately it seems the more i ask and the more i want to connect, the less I am able to hear and tune in. It really does feel like something is blocking my access – and now I know it’s ego. It makes sense. thank you for your wisdom. Namaste.
[…] started thinking there was truly something even more wrong with me…until I read about how our ego fights back when we’re on a spiritual […]
Kasia –
I know how you feel. It really is a painful process to go through, and I’m so glad to hear that you found the article helpful.
I don’t know if you are familiar with a Course in Miracles?
Here’s a post that explains the six stages of development of trust:
http://mariaerving.com/healing/a-course-in-miracles-about-the-development-of-trust/
It can be helpful and enlightening to know what’s going on and what to expect. Not in the sense of details of course, but to learn how the process develops as we grow. It may create some profound aha-moments for you as it has for myself and many others as well.
I know there comes times when we don’t even want to meditate or pray or do anything “spiritual”, and we feel blocked, we feel like there is some kind of evil power that holds us back and we have our rantings with God, and we try so hard to get ourselves out of the pit that we just don’t get anywhere.
The battle with ego is not an easy one for sure.
In these moments the best thing to do is to let go completely with the inner knowing (or at least wishing, you don’t even have to believe; just let go of the struggle) that there is a loving force that would scoop us up from the pit if we just stopped waiving our (spiritual) arms, while kicking and screaming! Sometimes it takes time, yes, and we feel totally abandoned, but the dawn will come and a new day (and Self) is emerging soon again.
Here’s yet another post that might be helpful in moments like these:
http://mariaerving.com/healing/a-note-from-god/
Hope you find them helpful <3
Much Love!
Maria
If you post this, then respect.
How can you be a counselor to people which is usually to lead individuals to reason and ask them to “surrender” their lives onto God. God is simply the misunderstanding of a cultural phenomena which the weak being to latch onto because they don’t know who they are and what do think anymore, which resembles a depression or a mid life crisis. If you aid people you must be familiar with psychiatry and psychology. Jung argued the Anima/Animus theory, this being the ideals of this “Shadow World”, this “Shadow World” is what Nietzsche argued to be to be the abyss, this world of illusion upon which humanity is founded. If people need to “give their lives to god” they fail to accept the responsibility for their own lives. This surrender would simply exemplify how organized religion as pat Condell bluntly put it: Dehumanizing Garbage.
Although In all honest, I am quite curious to this Spiritual Growing Pain, this I have no explanation for, and I can be the first to admit when I am wrong or don’t know something. I never asked for the “Phenomena” of Ego Death, Frankly it was my compassion and love for humanity which led me here but my greatest virtues were my flaws. People will simply drag others down without reason utilizing there more primitive and animal tendencies such as jealousy etc… I cannot and will never believe in any Universal Truth as I don’t have all the answers. But what I could recommend is rising up once more, because I will accept responsibility for my actions and my life, and this “spiritual growing pain” is no way to live.
Hello Atheist,
Thank you for your comments.
I do however not see any point in explaining my teachings to someone who is not open to God, as your name clearly says. I’m not here to convince anyone – I’m here to share and testify what God has done for me, so this response is the only one you will get.
We all have a different path, and I say; ‘whatever works for you, go with that’.
Surrendering to God – for me personally – has been the best thing I have ever done in my entire life. The Peace and Love I feel is indescribable.
And surrendering does not mean that we don’t take responsibility for our lives. On the contrary. When we surrender our struggles and plans to God, the solutions and visions can come forth from the peaceful state of mind we dwell in. (not from reason and logic)
Believe me; there will be plenty to do for the one who has given him/herself to God (spiritually, not religiously)
There’s no sitting in the sofa, thumb-rollinging going on at all, I can assure you of that.
When we surrender our ways to the ways of God, we receive the plan that God has for us, and the work we thereafter do consist in being at service to humanity and the planet.
Sure there will be times of being in a “spiritual waiting room”, but those times are not meant to be wasted, but used to connect (by prayer and meditation) and integrate with our personal process and with the power of God.
But again; not everyone will want to live with God, as yourself for example, and that is perfectly fine with me.
I’m not here to convince anyone, as we all have free will to live as we think is the best way for us.
I’m only sharing my own experiences and what has worked for me as countless of people contact me telling me about what is going on with them in their own spiritual transformation.
It’s a process of awakening to our true selves, which is God.
Wishing you all the best!
Maria
Just read your article. Thankyou, so true. Have been on a spiritual journey for over 7 years, nearing completion… this particular part of the ego death is incredibly painful, needed some encouragement to get through it! Haha, or maybe my ego did!!!
In so much pain atm… praying for an ending! The fight im in atm is, is all ego gone… am I done… the final stand of ego… I know it will end, and I will have reached my destination, only to come out again for my true life purpose!!
Hello Lyndal,
Thank you for your comment – glad my article found you timely.
Yes, it is the ego that tries to get rid of itself and my suggestion to you would be to look very closely and deeply at that; who is it that wants to get rid of the ego..?
Ego lives in time while spirit is Now, and the ego will always hold a carrot in front of you for better days ahead in order to keep your attention away from the present moment.
Truth is already here – it’s in this moment, nothing really exists outside of this moment at all.
Yes, there may be pain, but the pain is already there isn’t it? It will not go away or chnage because we don’t like it, it’s still there regardless of what we think of it. We can never win arguments with Life.
The more we resist or fight against it, resent it, want to get rid of it and so on, the stronger it holds us in our own mind-made prisons. The ego revels in our struggles.
We can look at things without interpreting them and judging them as being wrong (or right for that matter), we can just look at them without calling them anything, with complete neutrality.
Of course it may not always be easy to do, especially if the pain is physical, but peace can definitely always be found and it’s never in the future, it’ always Right Now.
You may like this post by me:
http://mariaerving.com/dont-make-the-mind-into-an-enemy/
All the best,
Maria
Hi Maria,
Thank you for this article. I know I’ve been led to certain places at this moment because I am going through this I believe. This whole process started for me in 2007 and I had gotten to a point where I felt so open and loving and that I had a handle on my life and where I was going and then a few weeks ago after meditating, I prayed that my higher self would give me a deeper understanding of what my mission was here and I made it clear that I was opening myself up to God (who I think of as Source) and letting go of all that wasn’t my true self. Well, I had no idea, lol. Within days I started going downhill emotionally and felt like a real wreck. I started having conflicts with people about things that I thought I had let go of. I really was acting like a bitch and feeling terrible about it. A few personal relationships are going through a rough transition (family members); basically I started feeling like I was falling apart and feeling like doodoo and thinking maybe I really wasn’t a good person. But I haven’t been alone. And through synchronistic events and being led to certain messages (like this one) I am understanding whats going on and know its part of the process and I am willing to let go to the process. I seriously feel so much better, even though I know theres more. Thank you and I wish everyone love on their journey.
Hi earthmama,
Thank you for sharing, it sounds like you’re aware of what’s going on, I’m glad to hear that:-)
Many people have no idea what’s happening with them (can you imagine how people have must felt in the past for example when internet etc wasn’t available and we couldn’t connect and share our experiences with each other like we do in todays day and age?) when suddenly their life starts to fall apart, and only a sincere and honest openness and curiosity to what it real and true will reveal that which we are. (Or, we will be able to discover our true nature).
But the ego will definitely put up a fight, that we can count on! lol
I write a lot about these things on my website, go have a look if you feel drawn to it.
All the best,
Maria
Dear Maria,
Thank you for this article.
I am currently going through a kind of ‘crucifixion’, which I hope is a purification of ego. My problem is that my ego became so strong over the course of the last year, during which I was identifying with the Divine Feminine that I experienced coming through me, that I have been ‘cast out’ of my community.
I know it is possible to experience one’s divinity without feeling a sense of ‘specialness’ that the ego adheres to, and to hold one’s radiance and power together with humility. However, I have not yet found a way to master this. I fall so easily, my ego is so strong, as is my divinity.
Have you encountered this in your explorations and your work: the rearing of the ego’s ugly head in the last throes of its dying, before the purification process? I hope to goodness this is what has been occurring in me? It’s almost as if my ego was so strong, God had to deliver an almighty blow in order to liberate me from it.
I resonate so strongly with what you have said. I have felt utterly abandoned by God, and it has been difficult for me to recover from a sense of having done something terribly wrong, that I’m being punished. Thank you for the reminder to surrender – I seem to need regular reminders to surrender!
I will be reading more of your work!
Glad to hear it resonated with you and that found it helpful Marie.
So many things has changed for me since I published this article and you can can read more about it on my website.
My latest article is about God and beliefs around God etc: http://mariaerving.com/beliefs-opinions-realizations/
It’s not the ego that gets purified – and the more light within yourself you encounter, the more resitance from the ego.
But it’s not an enemy. I see this in people, they make it an enemy and they try to get rid of it and they try to purify it and what not.
The ego is not the one that will awaken so to speak.
What I invite you to look at is who is doing all those things? Who is trying to become ‘pure’?
Who is it that sees both the divine in you and the ego in you? How many of ‘you’ are there and which one is the real you..?
There’s someone seeing all the drama; who/what is that?
I invite you to visit my website as it’s full of articles about the spiritual awakening process:
http://mariaerving.com/
Know that this is not going to go on forever, even if it’s difficult now.
Keep inquiring within and the truth within you is going to reveal itself when you least expect it:)
im greatly struggling in ego death. i hate god in ego mode but have been more open to this void since reading this article im working with the void now not against it. the overwhelming hopelessness, void and anger are scary. ive never been a violent person until this process began in sept 2012. i have no spiritual teacher and no resources. i live in a state where no one understands this stuff.mostly farmers here. i keep seeing synchroncities daily. so i believe the end is near. does my body die in ego death as well? when this ego takes over. it is cruel, vicious and ruthless to people. it loves hurting people, and most of all me. ive lost everything in my life nearly. peace.
plz let me know if u have any more insight and tips. ive been through many terrible traumas. i never had anger at god ever til it started.peace.i was a goodie 2 shoes church boy last year..not now though lol nowhere near
Many people are going through the exact same things you are going through Jericho.
So many people are even waking up from the belief in the existence of God and are going through the process of ego death – There are even priests and other hardcore believers that are going through the same things as you are struggling with at the moment, so I hope you find some comfort in that.
You are not alone.
(It even happens to goodie 2 shoes as yourself that may not even have been a ‘seeker’ in the first place).
And I have been through the anger and hopelessness myself in the past so I know all about it.
Here’s a Facebook posting that can be helpful to you, especially if you look at the comments as I have posted a few links there about my own past struggles with ego death:
https://www.facebook.com/MariaErving/posts/529618323793703
It may sound strange but when it feels like the end is near it means that something is opening up for you and the pain is the ego resisting it, so it’s actually a good thing – it will lead to a better place within yourself if you just keep ploughing through it and not avoid it.
Allow yourself to feel what you feel, have your rantings with God, cry if you have to and so forth. (Obviously as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody).
The body doesn’t die. Don’t worry – what will be left when this is over is who you really are, and it will not be hurtful, not to others and not to self.
Please feel very welcome to comment on the articles you find in the comments on the Facebook posting as well and ask questions etc.
All the best,
Maria
http://about.me/mariaerving
Maria,
Am totally in the middle of this now. I just turned 30 a few weeks ago and I can feel some parts of my mental bricks starting to crumble away. I’ve been deep onthe path with my training in eastern techniques , which is what has led me here I believe. My biggest concern is that I’m worried I about my relationships won’t hold up once the ‘new me’ emerges from all this spritual destruction. Specially concerned about the connection with my girlfriend she is open to higher conciousness but I feel I could be leaving her behind with all these spiritual developments??? And with my practices I almost feel like ‘rebelling’ towards meditation.
one confused dude!
Maria,
I’m right in the middle of this right now!
My biggest concern is how my relationships will hold up after the ‘new me’ emerges?
especially with my girlfriend which I’m a bit worried I might leave her behind with all this spiritual development. We have an amazing connection and I feel I’m complete with her.
I also have a rebellious vibe towards my practices of Tai Chi , Meditation which is what lead me to go through this huge transition. Earlier I would practice rain , hail or shine but now I’ve totally thrown discipline out the door. I just turned 30 to so I’m guessing I’m experiencing growing pains as we’ll as spiritual pains??
One confused Lion..
Any suggestions ???
LionHeart,
I must be honest with you and say that it may very well happen so that you and your girlfriend part in this process – But it can also bring you two closer than ever before.
There’s no way of predicting either way.
The key to any relationship to be able to be great is the importance of being totally open and honest with each other all the way.
Even if you have a great relationship already it might be a good idea to kind of check in with each other now and then, especially at times of transition and transformation, and this article came to mind, hope you find it inspirational:
http://mariaerving.com/communicate-effectively/
I have written a lot about all the changes that happens when we evolve spiritually and also how not only friends (can) fall away but situations too, maybe even jobs and careers crumbles in the process.
It’s important to know that something else will emerge from the letting go of the old.
I too have been into different kinds of modalities in the past, such as Reiki and I also did a bit of Tai Chi etc, and then I outgrow them.
At first it was confusing as I was doing healing work, but you can’t go on with something if it no longer resonates. (You would be living a lie and that always hurts, not only yourself but people can feel it from you if what you do and share is not coming from your heart anymore).
That obviously doesn’t make anything ‘wrong’, it just means that life want to take you somewhere else.
Interests change as we grow, and life can take you in directions you had never even heard of before.
The suffering in the process comes mainly from the resistance to that.
I think you might like this article: http://mariaerving.com/ego-resists-light/
Here’s an article that has to do with spiritual awakening and transformation and relationship changes that might be inspirational for you to read:
http://mariaerving.com/a-new-way-to-interacting-with-people/
And here’s an article about losing interest in things and feeling lost in the process: http://mariaerving.com/spiritual-awakening-and-feeling-lost/
Regarding meditation and your resistance to meditating I can say that it can be your mind that is rebelling towards your desire to know the deeper Truth, and then maybe this article can be helpful to you: http://mariaerving.com/urge-to-fall-asleep-when-meditating/ (It’s a very typical reaction from the mind to try avoid stillness by becoming sleepy).
The resistance or rebellious feelings can also be a sign that maybe you should take a step back for a while and not force yourself to do anything. (Not that you should ever force yourself but you know what I mean:)
Techniques can sometimes get in the way as they are sometimes done with an agenda (to get something or somewhere).
Sometimes it’s a great thing to just be and not ‘do’ anything at all. (And maybe spend more time in nature instead).
Here’s another article that you might like: http://mariaerving.com/are-spiritual-tools-unnecessary/
It can be such a relief to let go of all doing and simply stop and enjoy life as it is: http://mariaerving.com/smell-the-roses/ (So enjoy your time with your girlfriend as well and don’t worry about your future together or not together as it can go either way, and that goes for anything in life, always).
We never know what tomorrow brings, or even what the next moment brings so to get back to the Now-moment and really be in it can sometimes create a huge relief within us that allows for peace to come in.
It’s like touching the grounds saying “this is real – here I am. I’m right here and This Is It”.
Phew! 🙂
All the best,
Maria
http://about.me/mariaerving
LionHeart,
I must be honest with you and say that it may very well happen so that you and your girlfriend part in this process – But it can also bring you two closer than ever before.
There’s no way of predicting either way.
The key to any relationship to be able to be great is the importance of being totally open and honest with each other all the way.
Even if you have a great relationship already it might be a good idea to kind of check in with each other now and then, especially at times of transition and transformation, and this article came to mind, hope you find it inspirational: http://mariaerving.com/communicate-effectively/
I have written a lot about all the changes that happens when we evolve spiritually and also how not only friends (can) fall away but situations too, maybe even jobs and careers crumbles in the process.
It’s important to know that something else will emerge from the letting go of the old.
I too have been into different kinds of modalities in the past, such as Reiki and I also did a bit of Tai Chi etc, and then I outgrow them.
At first it was confusing as I was doing healing work, but you can’t go on with something if it no longer resonates. (You would be living a lie and that always hurts, not only yourself but people can feel it from you if what you do and share is not coming from your heart anymore).
That obviously doesn’t make anything ‘wrong’, it just means that life want to take you somewhere else.
Interests change as we grow, and life can take you in directions you had never even heard of before.
The suffering in the process comes mainly from the resistance to that.
I think you might like this article: http://mariaerving.com/ego-resists-light/
Here’s an article that has to do with spiritual awakening and transformation and relationship changes that might be inspirational for you to read: http://mariaerving.com/a-new-way-to-interacting-with-people/
And here’s an article about losing interest in things and feeling lost in the process: http://mariaerving.com/spiritual-awakening-and-feeling-lost/
Regarding meditation and your resistance to meditating I can say that it can be your mind that is rebelling towards your desire to know the deeper Truth, and then maybe this article can be helpful to you: http://mariaerving.com/urge-to-fall-asleep-when-meditating/ (It’s a very typical reaction from the mind to try avoid stillness by becoming sleepy).
The resistance or rebellious feelings can also be a sign that maybe you should take a step back for a while and not force yourself to do anything. (Not that you should ever force yourself but you know what I mean:)
Techniques can sometimes get in the way as they are sometimes done with an agenda (to get something or somewhere).
Sometimes it’s a great thing to just be and not ‘do’ anything at all. (And maybe spend more time in nature instead).
Here’s another article that you might like: http://mariaerving.com/are-spiritual-tools-unnecessary/
It can be such a relief to let go of all doing and simply stop and enjoy life as it is: http://mariaerving.com/smell-the-roses/ (So enjoy your time with your girlfriend as well and don’t worry about your future together or not together as it can go either way, and that goes for anything in life, always).
We never know what tomorrow brings, or even what the next moment brings so to get back to the Now-moment and really be in it can sometimes create a huge relief within us that allows for peace to come in.
It’s like touching the grounds saying “this is real – here I am. I’m right here and This Is It”.
Phew! 🙂
All the best,
Maria
http://about.me/mariaerving
Thank you. This post helped me a lot. I feel as though I’ve crossed over into a new realm of “observance” after feeling much apprehension and fear from the ego for the last few days following my awakening experience. The fear of crossing over into the eternal oneness is not a strong as it was before, and this post of yours is a big reason for that. Peace 🙂
I’m so glad to hear that my article was helpful to you Shawn.
Yes, there is nothing to fear, but fear will be there along the way until it’s no longer in you; it’s a shedding process, and because it’s also totally unknown to the ego it will definitely resist going anywhere unfamiliar but in the awakening process it has no say.
When Truth has you it has you and will never let you go.
When I started out with all the spirituality stuff, I was very concerned about having a “connection with God”. These days, I hardly care. I just try to perceive everything. If it leads me to the realization that God is an illusion, I am fine with it. I just look at everything. I think that there is no contrast between God and Non-God. Even the ego and all pain and suffering is a creation of God in my eyes.
You say that one shall say “It is all a good thing”. Why? “Good” does not mean anything outside of our human language. It just is what it is.
If my life is to be hell, I can at least look at it, recognize it for what it is and be at peace with it. Instead of yearning for “God”. Of course, the yearning is fine, too, I guess, and one can look at it as well.
Thank you for commenting Tom.
This is a very old article of mine that I wrote before my awakening process was done and I’m in a very different place today than when I wrote this (for example; there is no God creating anything, but you can read more about those things on my website).
With that said; what I shared in the article is exactly how the awakening process looks for most people and surrendering is a huge part of that.
To simply ‘look at your hell and be at peace with it’ as you said in your comment is not possible when you’re in the awakening process and this is why many people can relate to what I share.
I have shared openly about the hellish processes I went through and it was nothing less than a tormentous grinding of the ego in order to be born again.
A death and rebirth process in other words, and when in the midst of it you are absolutely yearning for it to end (or to be relieved from it) as you’re life as you know it, and you as you know yourself to be, is being demolished and destroyed and there’s nothing you can do about it other than to surrender to the process and let it be done.
This is what leads to liberation and freedom but until then the ego will fight for its life, it absolutely does, to its last breath.
Peace and relief comes from surrendering to the process.
In other words, the individual needs to go through the process trusting it, and having lots of self-awareness, and by being brutally honest with themselves.
That’s what leads to a true and lasting breakthrough and transformation of consciousness.
Hi, I just came across this article after searching ego death and reading some very scary advice and comments. I was in the middle of a string of panic attacks and reading this has helped to ease the panic a bit, although it’s still occurring.
I’ve had general anxiety as long as I can remember and after the birth of my last child, almost 15 years ago, I ended up on medication for it. I was on anxiety medication when we left the church in 2009, after discovering that YouTube was not only for stupid videos, but had a wealth of info right there if we wanted it.
I searched for truth almost all day, everyday, and what I was discovering was eroding everything I ever thought I knew about the world in general and was starting to erode everything I had believed my entire life.
By this time, the panic attacks were almost on top of each other, with very short breaks in between. Extreme fear of death, of hell, of God, of the worst things imaginable. This went on for years, even on the medication.
Two years ago, I became vegetarian and was in a good place mentally and emotionally with all of what I had been learning, and was able to wean myself off of the anxiety medication and the panic attacks stopped. I didn’t have one for almost two years and it was good.
Recently, I’ve moved into looking at other areas beyond all I learned since 2009 and the panic attacks have started up again, due to trying marijuana for fibromyalgia pain.
I felt as if I was losing control and the panic set in and hadn’t gone away. I think the anxiety from learning new information, coupled with the MJ experience, may be what has triggered it once again. This time, I’m not going to seek medication and I’m going to try to ride them out the best I can.
Sorry for the lengthy history, but my question makes more sense with that before it.
Can panic attacks be a sign of awakening or ego death, even if it’s not an all-at-once experience, like most people have?
I’m not sure that it could get much worse than it already is, but if it’s not helping me or something I need to go through, then I would rather find ways to avoid the dread and terror and all the mental, emotional and physical stress it’s putting me through.
If it’s a good thing, I will try to deal with it all and see it as going somewhere good.
I’m needing to know if panic attacks and ego death or enlightenment are usually tied together or if they can also be mutually exclusive?
Thank you so much for being so kind and caring with people like me. Panic is a very tough to handle on any given day, but everyday is really hard.
Thank you. 🙂 I can relate to all that you talked about. I feel alienated. I feel people act differently with me now. Although I feel strangers want to be around me more, I feel people react with fear towards me when i get into a closer connection with another person, so they run from me. I feel alone. :/
Many people feel what you feel JLB, people share that with me all the time and I’ve written quite a few articles about those types of challenges too on my website.
As you grow spiritually you will not feel alone anymore, in fact you will start to crave solitude more and more before you then venture out into the world again, this time as a different person.
It’s a process where you learn how to be alone but not lonely (among many other things).
In this process people will be removed from your life and new people will come in, so keep staying aware and open, don’t close or become tense in this transformational process but stay receptive to the change that is happening to you.
Trust your path; Life knows exactly what to do so surrender to it, surrender to the process.
Here’s a link to a few of my articles that I think will be helpful to you:
http://mariaerving.com/?s=grace
LisaM, you are on the right path so keep walking.
The awakening process is exactly about that; the end of all beliefs, that includes the belief in a God/gods, but since that belief is among the strongest held in the human mind, it’s also the most difficult process to go through (it can be hellish).
So yes, the awakening process is not all about “love and light”, it’s literally a death and rebirth process so there can be a lot of (emotional/mental/spiritual) pain involved.
Keep trusting and moving forward, releasing bit by bit all that is false.
In the end it can start to unravel very fast (the whole construct of the ego will start to crumble more quickly) because when you see through beliefs a snowball effect starts and the realization hits you that since one belief is false, how can another one be true?
This is self-inquiry, or inquiring into Truth. “What is really true?”.
Really look and ask deeply within yourself and the self-inquiry that you do will liberate you from the chains of beliefs and belief-systems. Meet the fear involved.
As for marijuana use; for some people it triggers anxiety and panic so if you’re one of them I would advice you to look for other ways of relieving your fibromyalgia pain.
You wrote: “Can panic attacks be a sign of awakening or ego death, even if it’s not an all-at-once experience, like most people have?” and to that I want to say that very, very (very!) rarely is it a ‘all-at-one experience’, and I really mean that; it’s very rare that a full-blown awakening happens in one go.
Most people wouldn’t be able to handle that.
The spiritual awakening process is a process that can take years, even if a spiritual awakening experience can be sudden and transformational in itself (as it often is), but that is not the awakening.
The awakening involves a lot more than merely a clear seeing or blissful experience no matter how profound it was as they indeed can be mind-blowing.
Some people mistake the experience for the awakening itself when in fact they have not even started their process yet and if their ego is strong it will take ownership of the awakening experience and the person will think they have become ‘enlightened’ or awakened.
Here’s another one of my articles here on VividLife that I believe you will find helpful:
https://vividlife.me/ultimate/26035/the-enlightenment-trap-when-ego-takes-ownership-of-spiritual-experiences-by-maria-erving/
I want to really convey to you the importance of not turning away from your process. Do not run away from the dread and terror.
I know it’s a difficult process but because I’ve been through it I can tell you that it’s worth it, so keep walking through it. On the other side of the spiritual awakening process is freedom and liberation.
And it’s not all challenging and difficult of course, there will be plateaus on your journey where you will experience out-of-this-world feelings of love and bliss etc, but where you’re at now is where you’re at now so we address that here in this moment.
You asked: “I’m needing to know if panic attacks and ego death or enlightenment are usually tied together or if they can also be mutually exclusive?”
Panic attacks/fear, ego death and enlightenment are absolutely tied together, 100% true.
With that said, you can of course suffer from panic attacks etc without being in a spiritual awakening process but since you already have the awareness of it being something else than ‘just panic’, trust that you’ve been guided to my article for a reason.
Life pointed you towards it. If you had been mentally ill or had some kind of other issue not related to awakening, Life would have pointed you towards something else that would have been in alignment with what you need at this time in your life.
Hope this was helpful to you and that it brought peace to your heart knowing that you’re right where you’re suppose to be and that the path forward will be easier and smoother with this new awareness and understanding that you now have.
Healing can also help smooth the path forward and it can also help release fear and anxiety as well as help you with your fibromyalgia pains.
Please visit my healing info-page to learn more how it can be helpful to you: http://mariaerving.com/healing/
With respect I bow down to you. I am describing you my experience in this journey. I am now 18 years of age. Before I was a different boy and now if I see I have become totally a new one. Just few days ago I felt like I was nothing. Everything was the Supreme Soul. We are just a part of God. I found that I have lost my identity.Whenever the letter ‘I’ used to sound from my mouth, it felt like something wrong has been uttered. Everything was God. The feeling was like this.
Then few days ago, I felt like the mind was totally blank. I could neither cry nor laugh and didnt have any emotion. The world was blank to me. The mind became thoughtless and emotionless and it was just still. Forget about prayer it couldn’t do anything. You ca say that feeling to be like a dead man. I was just responding to the people around me. But inside me, there was nothing. It was a strange feeling for me as I had never experienced this. I worship God in the form of Divine Mother. Feeling helpless I just questioned God what was happening in me ! All sorts of loneliness and a very strange feeling this was for me ! I saw a dream that night which I could clearly understand that God loves me. It was revealed to me that God loves is there for me always. I didn’t remember the dream nicely but when I woke up I found that all sorts of lonliness vanished. That strange feeling disappeared. The feeling of love came to me again. Like before laughing and crying for my Divine mother continued.
Now from last three days, some strange feeling came again. This is a new strange feeling for me. A strange fear entered my heart. It was like fear of death. I am just terrorised by this fear. But surprisingly the love of my Divine Mother is in my heart. Unlike the previous incident where the mind was emotionless and blank completely, here it is not the same.
I didn’t know what kind of fear is this. But at the same moment I felt that My Divine Mother was doing it for my good. The thought came to me that there was some transformation taking place. You know it’s a very strange feeling. A great fear. I didn’t know what to tell Her. But I always prayed for Her love as I wanted nothing more.
Then suddenly now a thought came to me to search on the google and find more about this strange fear. And by luck Your website link was the first one and I could feel relived when I read that this is a sign of transformation. The words you described were really the same words I needed. I feel a bit relieved now. I am waiting for that New life in the river of fearness. Your words were really soothing to me. Its true my Divine Mother brought me to this blog so that I can feel relaxed. Thank You very much for your guidance Mam. You are a my teacher and guide for me from nowon. My comment is very long. I am very sorry for that but I felt a strong urge to describe the past and present of me to you so that You can also guide me farther. Thank You very much.
Thank you for your comment Himam, and for sharing from your transformational processes that you are going through.
I’m glad to hear that my article resonated with you and that it brought peace to you.
You can find me on my website http://www.MariaErving.com and continue the conversation there if you’d like further guidance.
There you can ask me questions, share your processes and so on and look at different options to connect and work with me.
I look forward to seeing you there.
Wow deep grief sadness that i have been faithful all my life spiritual journey come from been brain washed in religion to feeling the power of letting that go your article moved me deeply i have nothing left to give feel l lost my way god is not any where right now
You’re in a powerful place now Sue even if you might no feel that way right now.
To wake up from beliefs (all kinds of beliefs, not just the belief in a god) is liberating and it frees you.
To realize there is no God or gods is empowering once you move beyond where you find yourself right now.
Here’s a very old article of mine that I think can be relevant and helpful for you to read:
http://mariaerving.com/there-is-no-god
Maria mam, I need someone like you to talk to cause I’ve a lot to say. I don’t know why am writing this. I guess I feel like if I say it to someone to whom it would make sense and can guide me a bit would be really helpful. But I was thinking about a more private conversation, cause my case is really complex. Let’s just say for now it consists of my soul mate, shared dreams, spiritual beings from other dimensions, clairvoyance and my spiritual purification. Please email me so we can talk I. Detail. One more thing, It would be really grateful if and helpful if I can talk to you. Thank you.
@SOURAV TOPPOI:
Thank you for expressing the interest in working with me.
However, from the things you mentioned I don’t think we’re a match, but you are very welcome to check out my sessions page for information about what I do.
To give you a short description of my work;
I help people connect with their flow so that they can work with life and not against it, intuition, consciousness, ego and self awareness and so on.
You can learn more about it here:
http://mariaerving.com/sessions
I’m still at the point of dissatisfaction in my life
Feel very free to elaborate Roxanne, then I might be able to help you move to a more fulfilling place in your life.
Hi Maria, thanks for the article. The very fact I’ve read it indicates I’ve been googling. The thing is I know the answers. Let go, surrender, trust, etc. I mean “know” very loosely. Actually, I have no idea of THE answer. I feel so alone, helpless, detached. I made a decision to leave my job and thought it would be the best thing but now I am in a world of hurt. REGRET!!! There’s a number of “illusions” the ego is hanging on to but the main one is significance/identity/image. I don’t need to go on about the inner turmoil going on. It’s grief! I wish I could turn back the clock. It kills me. I am a Christian and I have been working with a spiritual director for a while now. I know Romans 8:28 does not mean better circumstances. I know God is working in me to liberate me. I never before realised the price of such liberation. Through my spiritual director, and own reading and pain, I’ve learned a lot about the ego and trying to live in a healthy way with it for a while. But up until now the things we have dealt with have been a drop int he ocean compared to what I am going through now. I am told that I have left a “container” that is too small for me and what awaits is opportunity. But it seems all too hard at times. I have lost all self-confidence. My kids who wonder why I am so sad. We are moving countries (returning home after many many years), which compounds my grief because “here” is now home. I feel like I have let go a thousand times only to be reminded that I have either taken it back or never genuinely let it go to begin with. It hurts! I wrote in my journal just recently: “I can’t let go, I can’t surrender . . .” I feel like I am on top of a cliff and want to jump but I don’t know how. Does jumping just mean I just embrace life trusting that God who loves and cares for me (I’ve been imagining me as a child in his lap lately and he looking at me as my loving and caring Dad) will not abandoned me (2 months ago I said to God: why have you abandoned me; I now know he hasn’t; it was my ego that felt abandoned)?
@Alan;
I think you’re in the process of waking up from the conceptual God, which is the God of the ego, and waking up to the real God, which is the God within.
I’d say “jump” and find out the Truth about who you are.
Then you will come to know that you are the power that you have placed outside of yourself up until now.
It’s all within you and as you let go and trust the process you will come to see this for yourself.
There’s grief for sure, but after the grieving period there is freedom and a new sense of joy and liberation that you have never experienced before in your life.
How do you ‘jump’?
By simply saying or writing in your journal these words and meaning it:
“I have jumped (not “I will jump” but that you have jumped), so that Truth can do its work in me”.
That’s it.
Now you’re in good hands.
Release and let go.
And if/when resistance from the ego comes up, keep saying that you are with Truth now, that you have jumped, and then again release and let go into the relief of that.
You might find these articles helpful as well:
http://mariaerving.com/spiritual-awakening-surrendering/
http://mariaerving.com/with-truth-now-mantra/
Hi Maria, thank you very much for sharing your experience. English is not my native language so sorry for writing. I am 28 years old from Turkey. I don’t know if I am o a spiritual path or not. Well in the end it doesnt even matter. I read almost everyone’s comment and I see that whatever you believe or not in the end it is just you, your thought and what you feel in your chest ( don’t want to say heart) that is the only reality that is in the moment. There is no truth or false, what you feel in the moment is the only thing that creates the reality.
My journey/ or whatever it is started on 17th of august ( yes I’m counting every single day )
It came when I was going to work with a panic attack. I rushed to ER and of course nothing wrong showed up. I will cut this part short. I lived ( still living ) every physical effect of this panic attack and anxiety disorder. I am going to a physciatrist and I used 3 months anti-depresants which did only help the physical effects. The only and the biggest fear/pain that I am strugling still is the thought of killing my self. I am writing this because I have seen nowhere someone writing about this.
Yes, the idea of losing my mind and killing myself. That thought comes from out of nowhere and it makes me feel sad, hopeless etc.
But just a few minutes before I found your writing I heard my inner voice thats why for the first time wanted to write what I feel.
It said: “ let’s say you really want to end all of this your life by just jumping out of the balcony, is this really how you want to do it?” – I don’t know it might be painless. “ what will the others think about you? What about your family? – God I’m still thinking what the others might think about me. “-yes, you are. So, even if you choose to do so, would it not better to make something worthfull, like you can join to a rescue team or do something to help the others something very dangerous that may even kill you?”
That moment I said to myself if I join or do something like that probably internal instict will do anything to stay alive.
The inner voice responded: “ Do you have the courage to leave everything, your job, your loved ones and take your backpack and go somewhere anywhere? And start over or just go and explore? -My response was “No!” How could I? I am at the top of mt career and I worked so hard to get where I am today! “Well” it said “maybe you should do it. Maybe you should be someone that has the courage to change her life. Maybe that’s why you are feeling so desperate and want to end all of this and stilm you fear of it.
Than I asked maybe I should leave the old me and be open to the new me. Maybe that’s the ego who wants to stop me.
That moment I googled and found your article.
I am still not feeling much better or I am not healed/ enlightened at this moment like a miracle.
But I know deep inside there is something one thing in front of my eyes and whem I found it or understand everything will be allright again.
Just last thing; I realized that we ourselves are our only enemy. And the biggest fear is again ourselves. I am still working on myself and it is really really hard and harsh. But in this process I know I should first learn to trust myself. My mind, my body and my soul they are one.
Thank you very much again. With love and light…
You’re so very welcome Burcu, I’m glad you found it just when you needed it.
I hope you’re alright and that you feel better today as I see you commented a couple of weeks ago or so.
There’s a lot more articles about the awakening process on my website http://www.MariaErving.com that can be helpful to you in terms of where you’re at in your process right now.
Just look through the archives or use the search box for my older articles and you’ll find them.
And of course, feel very welcome to comment below any of them should you want to share or ask something.
Love,
Maria
Hi Maria,
Thankyou for being “here”. I’ve been through extreme elightmentment and out again, back in and out again since 2008-9, 2011,2012 etc etc.., but I’ve recently REALLY hit a frozen patch where I literally find it hard to even get out of bed or move in any direction let alone function in this reality! I had it together more and more but it seems the closer I seem to get year after year, again and again I fall back into a place I thought sorted it out and let it go.
I’m up to 9 nearly 10 years of this roller coaster of my path and I feel like I’ve just about to break through to my path then I fall right back to the beginning!! I feel I can’t keep staying still.. but I can’t force my self to move!!
I have been studying ACIM for about 8 years and have grown spiritually and found greater inner peace. It is a miracle! At this moment in my human journey, my ego is serving up one (perceived) tragedy or worldly disappointment after another. Though I try to remember to surrender and welcome this experience, it is more deeply discouraging and depressing than anything I have ever experienced. Tonight, when I searched for readings to help ease my soul, yours was the first article I found. THANK YOU. Blessings and light to you. 🌸
Maria i just read the article and i have alot in common about what u said and right now im going through that time. Im 16 yrs old and a situation happened to me about a month ago and it changed me. Like i started to tell people about God and how he will change ur life and sometimes i would be judgemental and not know it and think of one of my friends he’s a buhhdist and i sometimes think God doesnt like false religions and i worry about stuff like that but im too afraid to ask him, but thats besides the point. Your article was very moving and right now i am going through alot of the stuff that u explained u were going through. Like nothing makes sense, im very sad like really people come to me and they say “are u ok” and i just say “yea” but to be honest i didnt really know, but yeah im just hopeless, lost and just confused (i hope im not talking alot) and i tend to watch videos on youtube about how to serve God and why is there silence when we pray i never really meditated i thought it didnt work before but now i kinda have a fear of praying and meditation because i watch a video on youtube about God can come to u when u pray but demons can too and i feel like a demon would disguise thereself as God and would tell me to do bad things. I hope u get back to me im in need of help right now but thank you for the article. God bless u🙏🏾❤
@EMILY SKYE:
You should come and read some more of my articles on my website (www.MariaErving.com) about the awakening process, they will be helpful to you.
Look through the archives or use the search-box and type in “ego”, “awakening”, “spiritual awakening process” for example and then you will be guided from there to whatever it is that you need to know/understand at this point in your life and process.
(And feel very welcome to post any comments or questions you might have).
@LIZ COOK:
You’re so very welcome, glad I could help 🙂
@ZIVEN WILKINSON:
You’re young, 16 years old, and you’ve had an experience that was (and is) confusing.
It’s confusing for everyone who goes through an awakening process (if that’s what you’re going through) but see it as a blessing that you are young.
Many people don’t even begin the process until they are in their 30’s, 40’s and older.
Regarding God and what you wrote;
The conceptual God that you mentioned is not real, and demons are not real either, and “God” does not belong to ANY religion.
This is a part of your journey that you have to discover for yourself.
And don’t worry; you will only discover that “God” is within you, that you are that, so any fears you have now will fall away with that realization.
I can’t help you further though because of you age (I only help and support people who are over 18 years old).
I think it would be a good idea for you to talk with your Buddhist friend if he is older than you and more spiritually mature than you.
Not in order to adopt any beliefs that he has, but to talk openly with someone who is spiritually inclined.
If he isn’t older than you and more mature, then I would advice you to speak to an adult that you feel you can trust about your thoughts and feelings.
It’s important to at least try to share, even if it’s difficult to talk about, especially because of your young age.
Wishing you all the best on your continuous journey,
Much Love to all of you!
Maria
death has a lot to do with going through anxiety, depression , shedding old layers for the past couple months mine started out as anxiety and now led me to feeling as if I’m in a state of paralysis. I want to cry so bad but I’m not able to i feel like I’m being gripped and held down by a powerful force i read my holy book try to call out to god but I can’t I feel like everything I do and say is going to wate my whole reality looks different people look strange. I’m trying to stay strong I know this isn’t me and I know I’m not crazy its ruining my life I got fired from work. I’m just wondering if this is a part of the process I’m aware that these evil feelings are not me. I always had a strong connection with nature and God and was always lagging and happy. This is not me.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I have been praying the exact prayer wondering if I’m going crazy. I am absolutely confused. I have become a person others look to for positive energy and I’ve been on such a high and meditating on issues surrounding my identity and connection and relationships with the physical world. I so fortunate to have found this. Thank you. Finding these words means more than anything I could imagine because I don’t feel like there is anybody I can express these feelings to. Thank you.
@GALL;
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles.
Unfortunately I know too little about you and your journey to be able to say what’s going on with you right now.
I invite you to visit my website and read more on ego death and spiritual awakening to see if you can relate to the articles.
If you do they will be helpful to you as awareness and understanding always brings a sense of relief and peace even in the midst of inner turmoil.
Here’s two links you can have a look at to begin with and then Life will guide you forward from there:
http://mariaerving.com/?s=ego+death
http://mariaerving.com/?s=ego+attack
@ANONYMOUS; You’re so very welcome, glad I could help 🙂
Thank you, Maria! From the bottom of my heart and soul. My journey started four years ago! Still going through the rough patches you so brilliantly described. Helped me immensely! Love and blessings your way! And I am not giving up ❤
You are so very welcome Jasmina! I’m glad to hear it was helpful to you 😊
Here’s another article that you might like:
http://mariaerving.com/transformation-and-divine-storms
Thank you so much for this article. The void is one of the most incredibly distressing things ever. It has nothing. It is an emptiness, dryness. A being and non-being. This is the second time in the last 6 months that I have had this experience. Your article is helping me through it. With so much gratitude,
Sean
You’re so very welcome Sean, I’m glad to hear it was helpful to you.
If you visit my website (www.MariaErving.com) and look through the archives (or use the search box for “spiritual awakening” etc) you’ll find a lot of articles there that can be helpful for you in your process.
All the best,
Maria
You have a divine responsibility. ‘Therefore let us not pass judgement on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hinderance in the way of a brother.’ Romans 14 v 13.
‘For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.’ Romans 14 v 17-19
God created us. Do not forget our birthright, that we are called to be the adopted children of God and have the opportunity to accept Jesus, who is the only Son of God, our Lord and Saviour.
‘He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him.’ Colossians 1 v 15-17.
Understand the supremacy of Christ, our living God. Our life is given and taken, everything in his creation belongs to Him, our lives are to serve His purpose, to give Him glory in the great assembly. We are called to surrender our lives to Jesus, to bring everything captive to Him. We can do nothing apart from Christ but in the Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit we have the breath of eternal life.
‘I am the vine; you are the branches. If you you remain in me and i in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing.’ John 15 v 5
By His love, grace and mercy we have the gift of salvation in Christ Jesus and are born again, to walk with him in the Spirit, truth and unity of one edified body, of which Christ is the head.
‘There is one body and one Spirit – just as you were called to one hope when you were called – one Lord, one faith, one baptism;one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all’ Ephesians 4 v 4
‘I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit’ John 3 v 5.
‘Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.’ Matthew 7 v 7.
‘Heaven and earth shall pass away but my words will never pass away.’ Matthew 24 v 35.
‘For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deed were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.’ John 3 v16-22
‘Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.’ Romans 12 v 2
Just came upon this article through a google search for something I was researching for a course I am creating. You did a nice job. Thanks. Those who turn to and reference the bible for their comfort, (which is an outdated and erroneous book – as shown by Dr. David R. Hawkins, MD, PhD in his many works), are overly consumed by their Ego self and its fear based reality. It is quite likely that they will not be connecting with their higher, ‘True Self” in this lifetime. That is their path. It is ironic that they are the ones who most need to adjust their thinking, but how will resist reality.
Don’t be deterred by their misinformed comments. Keep up the good work.
Thank you.
This resonated with me. I needed the moral boost. I have been mastering my ego for the last 4 months. Fortunately my higher self had prepared me for this. Years before, I stopped all media, TV, internet, everything. I became a hermit. Then I discovered the ego. In 4 months I have downloaded tons of info from Freud and Jung to study my enemy. I have ordered many books from Amazon looking for tools and insight. I have developed personal tools that seem to be working. It is ruff at times especially when you are alone and have no one to talk to. I know it is my path and maybe it is faster by yourself, but it sure does hurt sometimes. Thanks again for your support and good work.
Guy Bradley