Our kids are exposed to bad losers all the time–not only in their sports leagues or skating competitions, but also on TV. They see reality show contestants thrown tantrums and professional athletes trash their teammates or coaches for losing.
Explain to kids that it’s normal to have an emotional reaction when they don’t get what they want. It’s natural to feel angry when the world doesn’t conform to their expectations or when they experience something that feels unfair. But it’s not okay to make others the target of what’s going on inside of you, and kids need to understand that. Being a poor loser will drive friends and allies away from them.
Here are six simple lessons to teach to kids that will help them be good losers.
Deal with inevitable emotions.
Let your child know that it’s okay and healthy to feel and express anger and frustration at losing, but in a safe and private place. Show him how to have that temper tantrum on his own. For example, he can punch a punching bag at home in the basement and yet at the top of his lungs, “I feel soooo angry!” He’ll feel relieved after he lets all that emotional energy out, and much better than if he took out his frustration and rage on someone else.
Running in a race on a beautiful day, feeling healthy and alive, should be fun. Remind your child that the activity she loves is fun, and that she can put less emphasis on “winning.” When she thinks this way, even the practices leading up to the tournament can just be about fun and doing her best. No matter how disappointing the outcome, she’ll have had joyous moments and great memories leading up to it.
Focus on trying.
Resilient people–those who bounce back easily from disappointments and setbacks–aren’t wedded to the outcome. Don’t let your child set himself up for disappointment with the expectation that he’ll win. Teach him that giving it his maximum effort is the only thing he can control. If he does win, that’s a wonderful bonus and shows that hard work pays off.
Look for the benefit.
Your child won’t always get what she wants, but she can always benefit from trying. Ask her, “What did you learn?” Most competitive kids can come up with an answer that’s helpful. There’s always a win for your child personally, whether it’s honing her skills, learning something about her technique, or figuring out a different and better strategy for next time.
If a child’s sense of well-being is dependent upon external recognition, he’ll set himself up for disappointment and will always be at the mercy of outside sources for self-worth and happiness. If he’s having a particularly difficult time letting go of negative feelings, have him repeat over and over to himself: “I gave it my best shot. I did well to get as far as I did.”
Join in the celebration.
Being a gracious loser centers around the ability to celebrate someone else’s good fortune, despite the disappointment one feels. It’s fine for a kid to acknowledge her disappointment at losing, but not to diminish the success or joy of the winner. Remind her that if she won, she’d want and expect others to congratulate her too.
In a recent session with my counselor Eleanor, she said something simple, but profound to me; “Nothing changes until you do.” She went on to say, “Mike, you keep trying to control and manipulate the situations, relationships, and outcomes in your life – thinking that if they changed in the way you want them to, you’d then change and things would be better. It actually works the other way around.”
The truth of Eleanor’s feedback resonated deeply with me and I’ve been contemplating it for the past few weeks. I realize that much more of my attention than I’d like to admit is focused on my attempts to change the circumstances, situations, and people around me – instead of focusing on the only thing I can really change, me.
As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
We’ve all had this experience in our lives in both big and small ways. Do you ever notice how when we’re having a bad day or a rough time in life, even the people and activities we normally love, don’t bring us the same amount of joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction? On the flip side, when we’re having a great day or things are going really well in life, even people or circumstances that might normally upset or annoy us, somehow seem much more manageable and less stressful. In those simple situations, our perspective and our own internal state, has a big impact on how we experience life, not the other way around.
What if we put more attention on our own growth, change, and transformation – and less attention on trying to fix, change, and alter the people and circumstances around us? This doesn’t mean that we’d stop caring about what other people do or say. It also doesn’t mean we wouldn’t give feedback or make requests of those around us. And, we wouldn’t stop working towards specific changes, goals, and dreams related to the most important aspects of our lives – our work, our health, our finances, our family, and more.
However, by letting go of our insatiable desire to fix and change everyone and everything around us, we give ourselves the space to focus our attention on the true source of our own happiness, success, and fulfillment – ourselves!
As we come to the end of this first month of the new year, many of us are still quite focused on our intentions, goals, and resolutions for 2013. As great as the accomplishment of any specific goal may be, what we’re almost always after with our resolutions, is positive and sustainable change.
As the saying goes, “The roots create the fruits.” This means that it’s our job to focus on our own growth, development, and internal transformation – and in so doing, we put ourselves in the best possible position to create the kind of change we truly want. Nothing changes until we change!
I feel more than ever that humanity has the possibility to realise the potential state of Wholeness, or Completeness, that is incrementally achieved by those who choose to heighten their thoughts or whose mind, words and deeds are authentically harmonious and serene so as to be in touch with deep wisdom.
It is surely the goal of physical existence to achieve this full state of wholeness and it can be partially experienced during ones progress to its full achievement.
It is a state where ignorance and superstition are superseded by an awareness of frequencies that speak beyond such limitations to the innate intelligence that is present beyond the lower man made frequencies that have kept humanity in the dark for so long.
I believe that this expansion of light is now perceived on many levels around the world and has a real consequence that becomes clearer day by day!
There is no dualism of good or bad or even that today is better than yesterday but rather a growing awareness that brings us closer to what it really means to be human in this very moment!
I believe that there is no evil in nature. Hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanoes and sicknesses, which humans believe to be nature’s wrath or a manifestation of lower forms of vibration or punishment for man’s misdeeds, are for me ethically neutral. That is they are neither good, nor bad in themselves. They are either the products of chance, the existence of which is necessary to allow freedom of choice, or they are a function of an aspect of the universal laws of nature, necessary to uphold creation.
For me all is totally good in essence, thus all creation is good and is functioning as it was designed to and, as our mind expands beyond dualistic and judgmental thoughts, we slowly come closer to this natural wisdom inherent in the universe.
Negativity is the product of humanities wrongful choices and it is easily eliminated by choices that bypass such inherited fallacies that limit our higher perceptions. Today it may seem that these fallacies and negative human traits abound only because as we all let go of what has limited humanity for so long, we let go of so many of these collective destructive aspects that the Hindus refer to as the Kali or that I refer to as ignorance.
On the surface it may seem to many scientists, environmentalists, economists and artists around the globe that indeed we are in an era where what we know is being destroyed by the turbulence that we are facing. I would say it is more like the Phoenix is rising from the ashes of such destructive forces and their obsolete paradigms.
I would strongly emphasise that the Phoenix within or the birth of awareness can be acquired and refined within each one of us no matter what the circumstances we face may be. It comes more easily to those who choose to reflect and meditate with a bright, clear and unbiased mind and hold close to heart the real core values of life.
The aware mind is capable of logical and precise thinking with clarity of thought that is free from preconceptions, and is thereby able to perceive this higher frequency that resonates in all aspects of life rather than being a far removed philosophical or esoteric concept. However, it is important to note that logic and rationality of thought are not the only requisites of what it means to be human in a more complete sense.
A wise human being has a mind that tempers rationality with benevolence. It is the mind that having perceived the innate goodness of life becomes benevolent and more light; thinks for and of the highest and most noble aspects of life and is committed to it.
As this essence indwells in human beings, it can easily be acquired by a clear choice to think, speak and act in accordance with the higher frequencies inherent in such actions. So in actuality it is one of the principal means for achieving the goal, and at the same time part and parcel of that same goal.
This goal, the Lighter existence, made more accessible by such frequencies as are present today, becomes more powerful as our focus moves towards the light rather than remain in the shadows of the mind. I have no doubt that humanities natural inclination is moving towards such higher frequencies that may well only become more clear with hindsight.
As the Phoenix flies higher towards the realms of light we will have the clarity it takes to be creative in a more conscious and wise way with our hearts wise enough to feel the new freedom that helps create a life-affirming paradigm!
CLICK VividLife.me for more inspiration for living your ultimate life!!!
Tony Samara, author of ‘Shaman’s Wisdom,’ ‘From the Heart,’ ‘Different Yet the Same,’ and ‘Deeper than Words’ was born in England, grew up in Egypt and also in Norway where he discovered the “Zen Buddhist philosophy”. This discovery eventually led him to the “Mount Baldy Zen Center in California, USA” where he learned the spiritual teachings of “Kyozan Joshu Sasaki.” He had curiosity to explore further the essence of spirituality and thus went to live and learn with shamanic communities around the globe including a period of time spent with some highly influential shamans in the Amazon River region and the Andes Mountains. Now people from all over the world visit Tony Samara to take spiritual guidance and experience being in his presence. http://www.tonysamara.org/
The meditation is very easy to do. Just simply find a comfortable space, take a few deep breaths so that you are able to let go of any thoughts, any feelings of any situations that you may have in your mind, in your consciousness. Simply come back to a space that is more peaceful, a space that is more free. As you breathe in and breathe out and feel this space, focus on the third eye – that is the space between the eyebrows, the space that is connected in the sense that is beyond seeing. It is much more the subtle sense of intuition, of seeing into dimensions that are not so clear but require that you simply relax and open to those dimensions so that they speak to you in a much more clear way.
As you focus on the third eye breathe in to this area, breathe in deeply and as you breathe in visualise that the breath is activating this space. As you breathe out let go of any thoughts, any feelings that come up and simply create a sense of presence to this space, the third eye, so that now you can begin to use this space to be very clear that now your whole being can expand.
From this space feel the freedom that goes beyond the physical, beyond the mental, beyond the emotional – feel the freedom like a bird, like an eagle – as you fly deeper into the unseen dimensions that make you, as a human being, very special. Those aspects of yourself that are very deep and very profound, as you go deeper into this space allow yourself to expand as though it is as if your whole being connects to all aspects that are around you.
Touch the beautiful aspects of the universe, the stars, the moon, the galaxies. Touch the space where everything is so free and so open, that this feeling, this power that you now connect to is transmitted to your own body, to your own mind, to your own emotions. Sense the power of the universe, the beautiful stars, the amazing space that is everywhere, that goes beyond our mind thinking, that goes beyond our little emotions. Sense how amazing the divine is.
As you become aware through your expansion of this beautiful space that is everywhere, that transmits to you a sense of power and strength, and through your intention allow that transmission to move to the various parts of your body. Sense the breath carry that beautiful open and powerful space that you are experiencing. Sense the heart open up any contraction, any walls, any pains, any sufferings, any doubts, any feelings of low self-esteem, contraction – sense this disappear as you connect to the expansion into the universe. The beautiful stars and their magnificent light touching your heart so that you are present to reality and not the little pictures of your mind, or the little dramas that can now be completely let go of. Sense this space touch all the organs inside of your body so that even the structure of those organs now receive a new burst of energy – the liver, the kidneys, the glands, the blood system, all aspects of your body sense how easy through the out breath it is to let go of all the contractions and limited fear spaces, and how easy it is to open to the beauty of the divine space that you are seeing through your third eye.
As you do this, sense that your whole body begins to change and so the physical dimension of the world becomes less important as your reference now goes deeper to those dimensions that make you a unique and beautiful human being. Sense how free and open and expansive the body is, as it connects to all beautiful energies that strengthen, that change even the structure that was, to a structure that is. As you breathe in and breathe out, notice that this beautiful energy that you are connecting to through your third eye, expands more and more – you go deeper and deeper into the beauty of the universe. There is more light, there is more space and this gets transmitted to your mind. All those thoughts, all those struggles simply move out as you breathe deeply.
Breathing in and breathing out, move out with the out breath, and now allow this space to move in through the third eye, this beautiful space, the divine space that you are in touch with through the third eye to your mind so that every cell in your brain, every cell in your mind, can connect to a reality that is more profound, more deep, more mystical. There are no more thoughts of fear, there are no more thoughts of pain, or suffering, or doubt. There are no more thoughts that take you away from the present moment of beauty. Allow the mind to trust this as you open up more deeply.
Give yourself a few moments as you breathe in and breathe out to allow this process to move deeper and deeper – to allow the process to move deeper to all parts of your mind, the conscious aspects that you know and even more deeply to the unconscious parts of your mind that are hidden and come up in dreams or in certain situations. Allow time, allow the beautiful universal energy that is everywhere, that keeps you alive, that we call the divine, to move deeper into all spaces within your being. As you breathe in and breathe out, keep in touch with this space through the third eye.
As you take your next deep breath feel this energy move from the third eye down into all parts of your body. Sense this energy being grounded, moving down your spine, down to the feet, moving down to the soles of your feet and see yourself, imagine yourself now moving back to the mundane aspects of your life but with a new sense, with a rebirthed sense of being alive, being connected to energy that makes you so special. See yourself going back to your family, to your partner, to any situation with that new sense of being, and as you do this you slowly transmit this aspect to more and more people.
As you put this meditation into practice several times in the next few weeks, you will find that things begin to change around you. As you touch the divine, the pictures that you hold begin to change and we begin to change the situations around us.
The more people that put this meditation into practice and this way of thinking into practice, the more the people in Japan and various parts of the world begin to feel an invisible love that moves beyond, moves deeper than what we watch on television or what we hear on the radio or what we read in the newspaper and this is so important. It is just like when you have a little child it is very important for you to recognise their being through action, not just by observing but by interacting, by being. This is what the world needs today. As you come back to a real sense of being that is transmitted on the many invisible levels, through the many invisible levels that we are not aware of, to touch many people’s hearts.
I encourage you to practise this meditation several times in the next few weeks and to write to me and let me know if you have more questions.