It is frustrating!
When your love relationships have been mostly disappointing and painful, it leaves you wondering…
“Why is this so difficult?”
“Is there nobody out there who is right for me?”
“What am I doing wrong?”
It feels like you’re stuck in a bad movie that never ends or gets better. You heal from one relationship disaster, meet someone new and hope that this time things will be different. This time you will be happy and attract the kind of love that you’ve been looking for.
When this time ends up similar and maybe even identical to what you’ve been through over and over again, you might consider giving up. The choice to be single is one that many people intentionally make and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. A person can create a joyful and satisfying life while remaining single.
However, if you’re closing the door on a love relationship because you are afraid of being let down, betrayed and hurt again, this is not a conscious choice– it’s you setting yourself up for bitterness and even more pain.
You CAN stop the movie that has been your life up to this point and change the story. You CAN break through, get unstuck and successfully attract the amazing love relationship you desire.
See your pattern.
It’s tempting to resolve never to repeat past relationship mistakes and sometimes this alone works– but not often or for long. An essential part of the break-through process is to discover what your pattern is.
We’ve all got habits that form a relatively consistent arc for how we react in certain situations. These arcs shape what happens in our lives. Do you tend to withdraw or lash out when things get tense? Do you usually make a guess or ask for more information when faced with a behavior that’s confusing or ambiguous? Do you expect the worst or the best of others?
You might have a clue about what your patterns are when it comes to love or you may not know. Take a few moments to get curious and observe yourself, both now and in the past. Even though the person you’re with plays a role, hone in on the words and actions you tend to repeat.
Identify what keeps you stuck.
Know that your pattern isn’t necessarily good or bad. Certain aspects of it allow you to have experiences that are pleasing and wanted and other aspects hold you back and keep you stuck and dissatisfied.
If the relationships you’ve had have been mostly miserable, it’s likely that some of your habits are standing in the way of happiness. As you discover what those habits are, you can re-focus your energy. You can begin to clear the way for a new experience.
Pay particular attention to how you regularly talk to and about yourself. Are these words mostly describing what has happened in the past or what you fear will happen in the future? Do you joke about how “unlucky” you are at love or that you are a “loser magnet?” Even humor can keep you stuck.
Remember, the intention is to uncover what you usually do in a specific way and without putting yourself down, blaming or shaming yourself (or anyone else).
Reset your system.
Now that you know what is NOT working in your favor, you can have your break-through. You can do so by resetting your system. If this sounds too big or overwhelming, take a deep and slow breath.
You’re probably not going to change habits in an instant that you’ve possibly spent a lifetime practicing, but you can gradually make significant changes that will open the door to a love you’ve only dreamed of until now.
There are powerful tools to change those habits that keep you stuck. One is EFT (emotional freedom technique) which involves a series of taps along the energy meridians used in acupuncture and acupressure. As you tap particular parts of your own body in a particular order, you shift beliefs that stand in the way of love and introduce new and affirming beliefs in a deeper way.
EFT clears internal energetic obstacles and helps you get clearer, more balance and open to something brand new that you’ve not experienced before.
If EFT doesn’t appeal to you, do some research. Ask friends what they’ve found helpful when changing habit and give it a try. Even if the habit is something completely different like stopping smoking or overeating, the technique itself could be what works for you and allows you to get and stay unstuck.
Repetition is key.
It’s rare to see big effects immediately. In fact, one study suggests that it takes 66 days to firmly establish a new habit. Be patient with yourself and use the way you feel as your guide instead of external indicators like how many dates you go on or how interested in you your dates seem to be.
How do you feel now compared to how you felt before? Are you more hopeful? Are you having more fun? Are you worrying less and enjoying yourself more?
When you’re feeling happier and maybe even joyful about your life, love can come easily and it will be a match for where you are and what you want.