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The Three Love Mantras that Open Your Heart

The first time I fell in love I couldn’t believe what happened to the world. The sky had never been that blue before! The trees looked like works of art! The most annoying acquaintance was suddenly adorable, and the morning traffic jam became a delightful chance to sit and dream.

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? But of course, in the years since, I’ve learned that it’s not that the world that changed; it was my own heart. When we’re in love, our hearts open up like flowers, making the whole world seem like paradise. Wouldn’t it be great to live this way all of the time?

That was the question I set out to answer in my latest book, Love for No Reason. As part of my research, I found and interviewed over 150 unconditionally loving people I call “Love Luminaries”—people living with an open heart no matter what was happening in their lives. Among the key lessons I learned from them are what I call the three “love mantras,” phrases that help us remember to open our hearts and feel the love everyday.

Love Mantra #1: Love is Who We Are. Love isn’t just something we feel for others, it’s who we are. Though we usually think of love as a stream of emotion flowing between two people, love is more like an ocean that’s inside and all around us.

Instead of walking around with a little cup, begging for a few drops of love from others, recognize that you’re the huge ocean of love. Let go of the feeling, There’s a limit to love and I have to get mine. When you do this, you relax, and your energy expands. Rather than looking at every interaction as a potential source of love—something to fill you up and make you feel good—come to every interaction radiating love. Then you go from being a “love beggar,” to being a “love philanthropist.”

Love Mantra #2: The Purpose of Life is to Expand in Love. Love is your job description – no matter what you do for a living. If you ever feel unsure of what you’re supposed to do in a situation, here’s a good rule of thumb: always do what leads to greater love. When you put giving and receiving love at the top of your priority list, you’ll definitely experience more everyday success and raise the quality of your life.

Love Mantra #3: The Heart is the Portal to Love. Your heart is more than a physical pump; it’s your ticket to experiencing Love for No Reason. If it’s open, love flows freely, both in and out. If it’s closed, even with the best intentions, you’ll have a hard time being loved or being loving. Try pouring water into or out of a jar if the lid is on. It’s a simple case of physics.

Focus your attention on your heart. When your heart feels open, expanded and light, then you know you’re on the right track for greater love. When it’s shut down, tight or heavy, you know you’re going in the direction of less love. When this happens, shift your thoughts, feelings, and actions so they support the opening of your heart.
Remembering these three mantras will help you shift to a new paradigm and open your heart to a deeper and higher love.

As you’re learning to experience more love in your life, it’s important to treat yourself with love. When you notice your heart closing, instead of getting down on yourself, know that, just by being aware that it is closing, you’re one step closer to positive change.

Many of us think we’re only going to change by beating ourselves up, but harshness and self-hatred don’t lead to lasting change and never lead to more love. Being gentle with yourself will speed your growth and improve your quality of life as you go.

Doing this will put you on the fast-track to Love for No Reason. Then every day can be an “in love” day.

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About Marci Shimoff: Based on the NY Times bestseller Love for No Reason: 7 Steps to Creating a Life of Unconditional Love (Free Press, 2010) which offers a breakthrough approach to experiencing a lasting state of unconditional love—the key to lasting joy and fulfillment in life. Marci is also author of the NY Times bestseller Happy for No Reason and co-author of the Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul series. To order Love for No Reason and get the bonus gift package free, go to www.TheLoveBook.com and follow Marci on Facebook @ MarciShimoffFan.
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Technorati Tags: being more open, heart chakra, heart energy, how to love, learning to love, love, open your heart, opening up to love, opening your heart

Full Spectrum Emotion

“I’ll have one fabulous relationship; hold the full spectrum of unpleasant human emotion please!”

Used to be, it could bring me to the edge when anyone would tell me to “calm down” or even worse, “just relax.” “Oh, you think THIS is upset? Well, you haven’t seen upset!” I would declare, and there I’d go as predicted, directly into orbit. These experiences collected and cemented my inherited belief that I was a lot; too much, too big, high-maintenance, and ultimately perhaps a bit crazed. Until one day I read Simone De Beauvoir’s The Second Sex and that was seriously the END of that!

Which was about a million years ago, but I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the car at a stoplight with my boyfriend at the time, who just happened to become the human sacrificial straw that broke this camel’s back. He asked me quite simply why I had to be so dramatic. What I heard was, RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

“You mean, why can’t I just say whatever I needed to calmly and rationally, rather than flap my hands about spastically, roll my eyes and gesticulate at every opportunity to make whatever point I feel needs emphasis with the HELP OF THE REST OF MY BODY?” I flapped and floundered my body around to emulate each point, while my nostrils flared and I think I may have strewn spittle, judging by the horrified look he had plastered across his face as he—careful not to make any swift motions—wiped it away. “WELL, let me tell you WHY! YES, I do, as you have been so kind to point out, have access to the FULL RANGE of human emotion, and have found over the last x-and-so number of years I have roamed this planet, that if it were not for people like myself, you, and all the people like you, would be quite bored. You MUST like it, or why would you be with me?” All he could do was stare at me. It was like I blew his rubber dingy out of the water with a cannon bomb. What could he say? I remember thinking what he probably heard was: “WAH wah, wah wah WAH WAH, wah, wah, blah blahbiddy blah, people, wah wah, and furthermore…BLAH BLAH and you’re boring!”

That relationship was case of “all chemistry, no compatibility.” Something I like to think of these days in terms of analog VS digital. While it’s not fair to say that the analogs are less capable or less emotional, it’s fair to say they are definitively so different that one ought not be confused with the other. For example, I am a more digitally emotional type person (a greater band width and interest in emotions), but once upon a time I would pretend to be more analog, to control my feelings and emotions. I learned that it was more pleasing to others if I were a less high-maintenance type of creature than what I actually was—a deeply sensitive, highly intuitive, expressive and feeling person. The lesson I learned from this exercise was clear: no need to ever try to suppress who I really am, make myself small, or dumb my authentic nature down, nor to make someone else wrong for being the way they are. In his case, a more reserved, emotionally conservative, easygoing type. To not be who I was AT him or crucify him for not loving my big nature, rather to see myself and him for what and who we were. While it’s true, unconsciously speaking, that opposites attract, we have free will to choose which poles of opposites ultimately bring out the best versions of ourselves. This combination did not!

From there I decided I would attract a relationship with someone who LOVED my big self, my intensely feeling, strong, direct, passionate nature. They wouldn’t be offended or intimidated, rather they would embrace me for it! I actually wrote two full pages detailing this one desire! Sure enough, when my future husband showed up, the shoe fit perfectly! It’s about being a magnet from a place of self-acceptance and love, not spite or resentment! So whether you’re analogue or digital, easygoing or dramatique, you-say-potatoes-he-says-hash-browns, like I always say: Great Relationships Begin Within!

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About Maryanne: Maryanne is a relationship activist, coach, radio personality, award-winning author, and frequent guest on TV and radio talk shows around the country. Millions of people worldwide listen to her three radio talk shows each week: On Maryanne Live! she interviews experts in the self-awareness field such as Ram Dass, Dr. Helen Fisher, Jean Houston, and more; on The Power of We with her husband David Raynal, they look at fresh ways of changing old paradigms. Heart Talk with The Sole Sisters Kris Carlson, Eve Hogan, and Maryanne repaves the road less traveled, with stories of waking up and staying awake real-time.

Maryanne is a go-to expert for Hollywood Life and other online publications. Her blogs can be found on blogher.com, sheknows.com, askdanandjennifer.com, and dozens more sites. She’s appeared on shows such as ABC’s “20/20,” Disney’s “Soap Net,” and San Francisco’s KGO-ABC’s “View from the Bay,” etc. Along with a private practice, she leads transformational workshops for men and women, awarding the Certificate of Responsible Relationship, or CORR®, which is certified by the State of California for Continuing Education credits (provider # 4757). She’s the author of the award-winning book, Skinny, Tan and Rich: Unveiling the Myth, as well as Hindsight: What You Need To Know Before You Drop Your Drawers!, the 5-DVD workshop workbook Great Relationships Begin Within, and the CD series “Thrive: Seven Essential Truths.” Currently working on two new books and a Relationship Divination card deck. Maryanne’s gift is translating life’s complexities into practical tools for creating healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationships. She’s recognized by her peers and students as a wise, witty, soulful teacher who walks her talk.

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Tantra- The Mud & The Lotus

Tantra is a life approach, which honours everything that the human being is, as divine. There is a saying in Tantra; “no mud, no lotus.” The mud symbolizes sexuality, our animalistic and instinctual nature. This is our basic life force energy. Instead of condemning and repressing this energy, the practitioner of Tantra will enter into an intelligent experimentation with his or her sexuality and learn how to refine it. In this way, the stem of the lotus begins growing out of the mud, rising up through the chakra system. This is also known as the ascent of Kundalini energy. As the stem of the lotus plant reaches to the crown chakra, it opens into a magnificent flower, known as a thousand petaled lotus. This ‘lotus of consciousness’ gathers nutrition by having its roots deep in the mud of sexual energy.

If the rich humus of wise sexual exploration is not there in the seeker of truth, no lotus of consciousness can be produced. When we see the lotus sitting so delicately on the surface of the lake, we are not aware of the mud. The enlightened being appears to have transcended the strong pull and attachment to the earthy instinctual aspects of being human. And yet, it is good to remember that human beings have only one energy. This energy can be expressed through the downward and outward release of sexual fluids, or it can ascend to be expressed as love, or as superconsciousness. Condemning sex will not help the process of transcendence. Be rooted in sex, with so much sensitivity that it is natural for this energy to begin its ascent into love. And love so totally that it is natural and easy for this loving energy to flower into superconsciousness.

A whole human being is one who is awakened in all dimensions of life simultaneously. How he or she chooses to express this multidimensional aliveness is according to free will. Such a being is ecstatic in their sexuality, expanded in love, liberated in their creative expression, and so deeply immersed in source that they are one with all that is.

Conditioning given by dogmatic belief systems and lack of an integrated education is all that prevents us from accessing our birthright for a joy filled life. It is surprisingly easy to let go of conditioning, because it is un-natural and therefore has never been completely digested and absorbed. The root meaning of education is to ‘draw out.’ For a holistic education, the optimum milieu is created, to ‘draw out’ what is already present in our inner potential.  And each human being carries an inherent potential to know bliss, love, ecstasy, and expanded states of consciousness.

In Tantra, methods of meditation, emotional fluidity, sensorial awakening, massage, dance and ritual, are all used as devises to support us in discovering our true potential. I look forward to the day when Tantra will be widely available for the benefit of all beings.

You Can’t Fix Him

3 ways to get what you need without him having to change a thing

Many women love to play “fix-it”—transforming people, problems, or relationships, usually in the name of “helping.” And one of our favorite targets is men. Have you ever leapt into a relationship with a man you thought you could “fix”? Have you ever told yourself that you’re the game-changer—the one woman this man will change for? Chances are good that you’ve been there. Maybe you’re there now. And it’s time to stop—because this mission only leads you to one place: misery.

As the former Queen of Fixers, I too tried to “help,” ahem, fix my guy and failed. I watched my girlfriends do the same—smart, educated women straight-up lie to themselves about who their men really were, because they couldn’t deal with the consequences of the truth. So they bestowed some false idea of power on themselves that, over time, they could get their guy to change. Of course, they didn’t possess this power. And no matter how much they loved him, changed for him, manipulated him or did whatever game they thought would work, the guy didn’t change, and they inevitably wound up with broken hearts, lonely lives or stuck in situations that were really difficult to get out of. Sound familiar? Too familiar, I say.

It’s time we used our real power to take the power of love back! Time to stop giving our power to be and feel loved away to another, and time to start seeing that every relationship we have starts with one person: ourselves. The truth is, spending your time, energy and money on trying to change anyone else is really an indicator that you are not loving yourself.

Commit the following three truths to memory, stop the love lies, and use the Good Love Actions to start making choices that bring more love, not more suffering, into your life.

The Truth About Fixing Men

Truth 1:

Appointing yourself as a fixer is not only arrogant but a sign that you’re avoiding something in your own life.

It’s way easier to focus your energy on what’s wrong with other people and their lives, rather than turn the mirror at yourself and get honest about how your life is a mess or less than what you would have thought. It’s easier to hide your own self-doubt and pain in the guise of “helping” others, because when you are busy “helping” someone else, you have no time to be still, and feel and reflect on your own feelings. Not to mention—who do you think you are that you can take someone on as a “project”? Did they ask you to change them? Chances are that you have enough inside of yourself that needs tending that you don’t need to go out looking for more.

The healthiest role we can play in a relationship is to be a partner, not a parent or a preacher. Yes, encourage your guy to be the best person he can be, but inspire him to grow by the choices you make for your own life. Don’t push or drag any man along. You have better things to do than waste your time and energy on impossible endeavors.

Good Love Action: Inspire your mate to be his best self by being your best self.

Truth 2: His willingness to change or not to change has nothing to do with you.

How much a man does or doesn’t love you is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, how much you love, or how many ultimatums you issue. Don’t waste your energy with thoughts like, “If he loved me, he would change” or “I just need to be patient and he’ll come around.” His unwillingness to change has nothing to do with you.

We like to fool ourselves with statements like, “I love my current partner more than she did, or he loves me more than her, so our relationship is different.” This too is bull. We don’t love some people more and others less. As we become healthy and self-aware, we learn to love better, not more, to choose partners who have the ability to share their love more completely and clearly.

If he’s not the man you want today, he won’t be that man tomorrow. A woman who convinces he’ll turn “good” for her, that she’ll be the one woman he stays faithful to, stops doing [destructive behavior] for, or finally settles down with, is lying to herself, and, even worse, is not loving herself.

Good Love Action: Don’t date or marry a man’s potential. Love yourself enough to be honest with yourself and not settle for less than a “good man.”

Truth 3: Changing the relationship’s level of commitment won’t change him, and if anything what doesn’t work will get worse.

How many times have you heard women say things like, “I know that in time, he’ll change”? How many women convince themselves that after the wedding, or after they move in together, or once X happens, he’ll be different? And how many times have you watched these women become stuck with a man who hasn’t moved an inch? Maybe you’ve been that woman. In truth, changing the level of commitment in a relationship—marriage, kids, house—won’t make any man really change. In fact, often the increased pressure worsens whatever it is that doesn’t work in the relationship or with him.

Lifelong commitments like kids and marriage, not to mention financial commitments and the expectation of deeper levels of emotional intimacy, create stress. Stress creates fear and fear brings out the worst in people. Unless you are both committed to self-awareness, self-honesty and self-growth it will be impossible for the two of you to successfully navigate all that comes with intimate relationships.

Good Love Action: Pick a partner who is committed to his own self-growth, who is honest and self-aware, and who is both willing and able to be a partner on all levels with you.

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