READ: Minerals for the Mind and Food For Thought by Sue Atkins

Rude and greedy behaviour among adults is contributing to the epidemic of gang and knife crime among children according to the Government’s school behaviour adviser Sir Alan Steer who is also a well respected Headteacher of Seven Kings High School in Essex.

In my work as a Parent Coach I help parents become far more aware of the influence they wield on their children. Whether it is through the words they use, or the actions they take, parents are a role model for their children throughout their lives from toddler to teen whether they are aware of it, like it, or even accept it.

I also work with teenagers helping them set positive goals for their future as I believe kids who know where they are going are far more likely to succeed in life. While it’s fine setting goals with them it’s discipline that is the key to bridging the gap between setting goals with kids and their accomplishing them, and lots of kids find self discipline difficult. So it’s all about starting in small ways with little changes.

I think it’s helpful to role model self discipline from eating a piece of fruit each day to walking the dogs for exercise every day – because it’s always in the simple, small things that leads to building great habits over time.

I think it’s useful to get teenagers to focus on their goals and to ask them if they want to suffer from the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference will be a future made up of potential or of disappointment.

So I like to help kids set up their goals and plan their discipline when they are all fired up and raring to go focusing mainly on the small little things they are going to do today and tomorrow and for the rest of the immediate week. That’s where the discipline begins and where the success and feelings of motivation and self respect starts.

The wonderful thing that seems to stem from these small steps is that there is a knock on effect in other areas of their lives too as one positive thing seems to lead to another which builds greater self esteem all round very quickly.

I believe that teenagers don’t have to change loads of things as that just makes them feel overwhelmed. A few simple changes can transform a teenager’s life – getting them to move in the more positive, hopeful direction of success. So that in 3 months, 6 months, a year or 3 years they can look back and see just how far they’ve come and how the small changes made such a difference in their lives.

I help kids look at the people they hang around with because these people influence their lives either positively or negatively and they can be nudged off course just a little at a time until they finally say to themselves “Gosh, how did I end up here?”

Then they’ve got to do the difficult bit of reflecting and taking the time to be serious about whether these influences are having a positive or a negative influence on them. They’ve got to take 100% responsibility for the choices they then make in deciding whether to keep hanging around with them or to move away from them.

That’s why teenage kids need support and help from their parents, teachers and other adults of influence around them and why they need positive role models to nurture, guide and nudge them in the right direction and to support them through the change of direction.

It’s also about setting firm, fair and consistent boundaries for them so they feel the “tough love” of being guided, protected and nurtured surrounding them and about being a positive and uplifting role model for them to follow.

It’s from here that we can slowly change, influence and enhance society over time.

Sue Atkins is a Parenting Expert, Broadcaster, Speaker and Author of the Amazon best selling book “Raising Happy Children for Dummies” one in the famous black and yellow series and the highly acclaimed Parenting Made Easy CDs. She has also just launched her 1st Parenting Made Easy app for iPhones and iPads. She is currently writing a new book for Random House called “Parenting Made Easy” which will be available in April 2012. Sue offers practical guidance for bringing up happy, confident, well behaved children from toddler to teen. She regularly appears on BBC Breakfast and The Jeremy Vine Show on BBC Radio 2 and is the parenting expert for many BBC Radio Stations around the UK. She has a regular monthly parenting phone-in on BBC Radio Surrey & Sussex and her parenting articles are published all over the world.  http://sueatkinsparentingcoach.com/

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GUILT! The Big “G” Gremlin

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve worked with Mums  about their overwhelming feelings of guilt – whether they are working Mums, stay at home Mums or part-time Mums.  Women seem to be programmed with it and it just holds us all back, keeps us stuck and is really anger turned in on ourselves as we find it difficult to ask for help, delegate parenting jobs or share our needs with others.  It’s also about wanting to be a perfect parent – who only exists in Hollywood film I’m afraid!…

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Some say love is an emotion. Others say it is a state of mind. For some it is an addiction. For others, love is a mechanism of control. Studies have shown that enough love will save your life. Or, the absence of it determines a life not worth living. Love, they say, is what we make it. What we make it is a function of what we know and believe about it. Many of us are convinced that we know exactly what love is. Others readily admit we have no clue! Operating from either place is probably not the best way to find what we know, need, desire or…

READ: GUILT! The Big “G” Gremlin

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve worked with Mums  about their overwhelming feelings of guilt – whether they are working Mums, stay at home Mums or part-time Mums.  Women seem to be programmed with it and it just holds us all back, keeps us stuck and is really anger turned in on ourselves as we find it difficult to ask for help, delegate parenting jobs or share our needs with others.  It’s also about wanting to be a perfect parent – who only exists in Hollywood film I’m afraid!

I felt torn and pulled into many pieces and I felt guilty no matter how hard I tried to do what was “right” for everyone.

I work with many parents who suffer from what I call “The BIG G” the gremlin of GUILT and it can come from working parents feeling guilty about their work- life balance, to parents feeling guilty about losing their temper, not playing enough with their kids, to feeling guilty about not spending enough time with their partner, their elderly mother, or feeling guilty about being separated or divorced.

The list is endless.

Guilty feelings can come from within or be handed down to you from parents, teachers or people of influence when you were young or can come from lack of self esteem or from controlling partners or ex’s.

Guilty feelings can also be tied up to feelings of remorse, regret and feelings of responsibility for others, or for situations that you find yourself in.

Guilt is also a feeling of struggling with what you “should,” “ought” and must” do and it feels like a battle between what you “want to do” or “what you’d like to do” or “what you’d like to choose to do”.

Here are my suggested steps to overcome guilt.

• Acknowledge that you have it.

• Take control and don’t keep going over and over it again and again inside your head – let it go.

• Don’t allow it to turn into feelings of inadequacy.

Grab a piece of paper and a pen and just reflect on the role guilt is playing in your life at the moment by choosing a current problem.  Now just relax and imagine I have just waved a magic wand and made the feelings of guilt disappear. What do you see, hear and feel now?

Ask your unconscious what small change you need to make to feel more in control of your life.

• Ask yourself does this problem have more than one solution?

• Do I just need to express my frustration and ask for support, help or a helping hand?

• Whose problem is it, really?

• Is it my problem or actually someone else’s?

• Am I taking on another’s responsibility and not allowing them to experience being independent?

• Am I trying to keep another from experiencing pain, hardship or discomfort?

If you discover that the problem is really someone else’s, give the problem back to the person to solve and to deal with. It’s not your responsibility.

Now imagine that “guilt” as an object that you can take out of your body and can package up in a lovely box. Give it a colour, texture and feeling and now imagine climbing to the highest mountain you can find and throwing it off a cliff for good.

If you learn to see guilt as a way to help you towards making changes in your life – then it has a positive intention. Guilt is there to allow you to learn from your mistakes, to take control of your life and to help you keep up to the standards and values that you have set for yourself in life.

So master its message and move forward driving forward in your life – not looking back in the rear view mirror.

Technorati Tags: aging parents, conscious parenting, divorce, guilt, inspiration, parenting, Parenting tips, sue atkins, vivid life, work-life balance

READ: Unique and Special

I have recently been coaching some wonderful parents who have a child with ADHD and as a former teacher of many children with unique and different needs, I have been exploring with them how to handle the painful and often overwhelming feelings associated with dealing with the diagnosis that their child is different.

Children who are unique need your parenting approach to be individual, flexible and creative as well as consistent and clear because they have different needs to other children and this can be very stressful for you as a parent.

What is unique and special?

“Special Needs” is like an umbrella sheltering and hiding a huge collection of diagnoses underneath. Children with “special” or “different” needs may have trouble paying attention, profound mental retardation or be gifted, or they may have a food allergy be terminally ill or have a stammer. The vastness of the term can be confusing and bewildering.

“Special needs” is often commonly defined by what your child can’t do – by milestones unmet, foods banned, activities avoided and experiences denied. These minuses can hit you as a family really hard and may make “special needs” seem like a tragic designation or a millstone around everyone’s neck.

But I believe that a label should not limit a child’s potential and I see every child as a way to find a new opportunity to explore their potential in a new or different way that hasn’t yet been tried.

After the initial shock of discovering your child is unique and special, gently and slowly change your focus from one of despair to gently and gradually starting to see it as an opportunity to learn how to help you and your child to explore and discover more about themselves.

Remember: Giving a child a label can limit them

Some parents will always focus on the difficulties and grieve their child’s lost potential compared to others, but I challenge you to see beyond the diagnosis – to become a family who sees your child’s challenges as making their triumphs even sweeter and your child’s apparent “weaknesses” always being balanced by their amazing strengths.

Here are some tips that you may find useful in the weeks and months ahead after receiving the news of a diagnosis for the first time:

• Give yourself time to come to terms and to develop an understanding of what this diagnosis means for you, your child and your family.

• Avoid making any rash or major decisions in the weeks following the diagnosis.

• If you need to, do seek another appointment with the professional who gave you the diagnosis so you can ask more questions.

• Before any consultations decide what you want from the meeting and jot down any questions you have.

• Be aware that there will be mixed reactions from your family and friends to the news of the diagnosis- some are very supportive or some are very hurtful and distressing.

• Educate yourself about the condition that is affecting your child – use all the sources of information available to you – library, Internet, other parents, organisations – knowledge is power.

• Do seek a second opinion on the diagnosis if you feel the diagnosis you have received is flawed.

• Get to know the professionals in your area.

• Begin to keep notes of all your meetings with the professionals you are working with and if a professional is compiling a report on your child ask for a copy to keep with your records.

• Many parents I’ve worked with find it very helpful and supportive to be involved with the organisation or support group that represent children and families with similar special needs.

If you’d like to find out more about positive ways to raise children with unique and special needs there is far more detail and resources in Chapter 14 of my book “Raising Happy Children for Dummies” which covers Dyslexia, ADD, Dyspraxia, Asperger’s Sydrome, and the gifted and talented.

Technorati Tags: conscious parenting, inspiration, Parenting Approach, Parenting Expert, Parenting tips, Sepcial, unique, vivid life

How to tell your children that you’re getting divorced

I have been working with a wonderful group of parents who are all going through a divorce and one of their main worries was how to tell the children about what was going to happen and what to actually say to them.

Children naturally fear that they will lose one of their parents in a divorce or that their parents will abandon them.  They also fear the changes and disruptions that a divorce will inevitably bring to their family and they often blame themselves.

One of the key things I ask parents to do is to sit down and to work out together the answer to this question:

• What are the key messages you want to convey to your children?

I ask them to get a piece of paper, write their child’s name on it, and to put it on the floor and as they step onto it, imagine they are looking at the situation from the point of view and perception of their child.

Then I ask them to answer these questions through the eyes and ears of their child:

• What do you see and hear around you at the moment?

• How do you feel?

• How could Mum and Dad make you feel better – what could they do or say?

Then I ask the parents to write in this wheel, 7 reassurances and guarantees that they can honestly give to their children that will help their child cope with the enormous changes that are coming.

We work on how both parents can agree on what to say before they talk to the children.  This helps to avoid mixed messages which confuse, upset and really distress children greatly.

We look at the benefits of telling the children together and we work on overcoming the “blame” mentality and the feeling that it must be someone’s fault. We look at how to avoid the children feeling that they have to take sides.

We also look at taking the emotional charge out of telling the children and help each parent gain more control over their distressing feelings and emotions during this difficult moment.

It is certainly very worthwhile and positive to stop and step back from your current situation to gain clarity, direction and certainty in the decisions you are taking towards handling the difficult and painful area of divorce or separation more confidently.

Find out more about Sue’s coaching programme on successfully handling separation and divorce or Sue’s “Handling Divorce Positively” MP3 and Practical Ideas Book.

To receive Sue’s free ebooks bursting with practical tips and helpful advice from toddler to teen, log on to www.theSueAtkins.com and download them instantly today.

Technorati Tags: conscious, dealing with divorce, divorce, how to tell kids about divorce, parenting, telling kids about divorce