Today marks two weeks since the sudden passing of my brother.
Such a strange almost indescribable feeling.
Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes like a lifetime ago.
I’ve screamed, I’ve cried, I’ve sat in an almost zombie like state for days.
I still don’t want to believe it, but I know it’s true.
And everyday in every way I feel that reality deeper and deeper.
Nothing prepares you for this.
No amount of personal or spiritual development.
Because although I am a spiritual being. I am also human.
I have human thoughts, feelings, emotions and attachments, and yes, I was attached to the possibility that we would be old men together.
That we would laugh more, that I would see his face as he welcomed grandkids and maybe great grandkids.
That I would get to walk through the doors of his restaurant, his dream, and see that contagious smile.
And that we would shed the skin of a painful past and grow together.
Many of you have reached out and continue to.
People really show you who they are in the darkest days of our lives.
And I am greatful I’ve seen you.
The last few days I’ve been quiet and withdrawn. Even from my own husband.
I need this time. To just be with me.
To dig deep. To process the pain.
To flip through the albums in my mind.
To remember when we would catch crayfish, toboggan, make snow angels, ride our bikes, and get into mischief together.
To remember standing for him at his wedding, and when each one of his beautiful children arrived.
To remember when he found his passion for cooking and took the journey to British Columbia to train with his father in law.
And to soak in the memory of our last conversation together sitting at my Mom’s just him and I.
And for whatever reason, I couldn’t stay and so he decorated her Christmas tree. Something I’ve done every year.
And it was beautiful.
And I remember FaceTiming him while I was cooking dinner with his famous Palate Pleasures Alfredo sauce.
And his smile, OMG, his smile.
Forever etched on my heart.
And his legacy, his powerful legacy, once we birth this unbearable pain, it will burn in every one of our hearts as the desire to be the most radical authentic version of ourselves.
Every day, in every way, as he did.
Thank you Universe for blessing us all beyond belief.
We’re all in this together,