It has felt that grief has haunted my soul over the last ten years.
And maybe not in the way you would think.
I feel like there is no place to rest my spirit.
There is no place to just be.
There is no place to just giggle.
There is no place to put my soul, without creating depth and analyzing every aspect of life.
There is no place to be like I was before loss.
Remember the times you used to be mad about nothing important?
About silly arguments, a messy house and uncooked dinner?
You know those silly little things life used to offer you every day?
The kind that used to drive you crazy in the morning, but by noon you had forgotten all about. Because they were silly.
I REALIZED THAT OFTEN I AM ENVIOUS OF THE PEOPLE I CAN HEAR IN CAFES OR DURING MY HIKES TALK ABOUT ALL THAT SILLY REGULAR STUFF.
Like the weather.
Or just everyday life.
I have not been that person for over 10 years.
Grief took away my ability to have small talk.
But something inside of me wants that back.
I want to be one of those people talking about nothing. Complaining about the smallest problem in the world.
And talking about the weather.
Talking about the weather is a form of being present.
And I have not been able to have a day where I get to talk about hair, clothes, dinner and the weather in for as long as I can remember.
My guess is that you haven’t either.
Everything has been heavy and complicated.
It has probably felt like you have been in a maze trying to find your way out.
TODAY I WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT OF THAT MAZE, OUT OF THE REBUILDING MODE.
Take you away from all the searching.
Just for today, let’s talk about the weather.
Just for today, let’s talk about what to wear.
Just for today, let’s talk about what to make for dinner. And nothing else.
Just like it used to be before all the bad things happened.
Just like other people live and they don’t know how lucky they are.
For today your homework is to talk about nothing much. And I will do the same.