One of the most common questions I’m asked by couples is how to keep their sex lives alive. Even the idea of just keeping something alive brings up imagery of life support. It seems like setting the bar a little low. The reality is intimacy of all kinds between couples needs to thrive for a sustainable, healthy, happy, long term relationship.
I use the word naked a lot. When two people are trying to turn up the heat in the sack, I will often instruct them to make a practice of ditching the pj’s and always going to bed naked. There is something about flannel, or cotton, that comes between people. It’s a barrier. It keeps people from actually touching in a full body kind of way. Bodies respond to other bodies that are naked. The visual is different. The smells are different. The touch is complete. If you want more sex or sexual contact be willing to be naked.
Layers create an illusion of safety. They create distance. Layers hide shame. They create a buffer against resentments. When you think about everything layers represent it seems like a tall order for flannel, doesn’t it? However, at the end of the day, layers of clothing are representative of more kinds of emotional distance than I can name here.
Being naked isn’t about the clothes you wear or do not wear to bed. Being naked is about a willingness to be vulnerable and be seen. It’s about allowing someone to actually touch you physically or emotionally. Emotionally naked is the sexiest state of all.
The number one thing most couples who have been together for more than two years complain about is lack of intimacy. Intimacy is about being naked. It’s about being raw. It’s about being seen. It’s about the kind of honesty that sets you free but scares you nearly to death. You can’t have intimacy without those things, you just can’t. You have to allow yourself to be undressed, literally and metaphorically. You have to be willing to be present, uncovered, without layers between you and the other.
Your love life, and the love in your relationship can only will only expand in direct proportion to your willingness to unpeel yourself. If you want more, be willing to reveal everything.