It has been one week since I sat on a stage in St. Louis to participate with Oprah in the Life Class Tour. I was there in person. I heard and saw everything that unfolded and then last night I watched the program on television. I must say that I was humbled and grateful and excited and impressed. Let me address one thing at a time.
I was humbled because it was a little over a year ago that I sat across from Ms. Winfrey for the first time in 11 years in an attempt to heal the breakdown in our relationship. Trust me when I tell you that I took a lot of heat for it. It was clear that some viewers got more into the “drama” than the healing opportunity. Other viewers accused me of throwing myself on Oprah’s sword in order to advance myself and my career. Then, there were those who determined that I had destroyed my credibility as a teacher, coach and empowerment advocate by sharing about my own challenges during the time I was an Oprah regular.
When I agreed to do the show I had a clear intention; to be a demonstration of how to have the difficult conversation required to heal a relationship breakdown. Watching Life Class last night I realized that the intention was fulfilled and, that Ms. O and I have been able to restore a sisterly, working relationship. Intentionality and clarity will support you in weathering the storms of criticism.
Gratitude is the only word that captures the experience I had standing in the midst of 3 beautiful, powerful and vulnerable men who were supporting one another in their healing. Standing with Steve was a powerful experience. Nothing that happened on that stage had been rehearsed, nor was it scripted. When I asked Steve to stand, I wasn’t sure why. It was clear to me that he was sincere about wanting to heal and move forward in life. What was not clear was where he was stuck and why.
When I looked into his eyes, I knew immediately that there was a little boy in his soul who needed affirmation – – not from me but from his parents. As I spoke to him I could feel his sorrow, his grief, his sadness because both of his parents are deceased. Like many of us he needed and wanted something that was physically impossible to receive. I also realized that what he needed in that moment could not come from me. It needed to come from a man. As a woman, I needed to be able to step back and let the men do their work for one another, with one another. I am grateful that I am healed enough to know what I can and cannot do. I am grateful to have been an instrument used to demonstrate to the world what it looks like to support men without taking over.
I admit that it is hard for me to watch myself on television. I almost never do it because I am overly self-critical. I worry if my butt looks big; if I am talking too loud; if I said the right thing in the wrong way, blah, blah, blah. But last night, I was excited because HD television looked good on my butt! I am not a tiny woman and with the new HD cameras a size 10 looks like a 14. That’s the personal side.
In the bigger picture, I am excited to be a part of something so new and refreshing on television. It is new to see people sharing their story, not just for the sake of the “drama” but with a real desire to be a demonstration of the healing that is possible. It is radical to see people air their most personal and intimate experiences publicly with the intention of getting support and healing themselves. We see all sorts of “dirty laundry” being aired in reality television. However, it is not always clear that the people want to shift, change, heal or be helped.
The people who come forward in the Life Class are willing to be a demonstration in the world that change is possible. I think that is exciting and radical because it has been my experience that we love to talk about our problems and we are not always willing to do what is required to find a resolution. To be in the midst of people from all over the world, college students, incarcerated inmates and the everyday people – – like minded people is exciting.
As a television insider, I have intimate knowledge about what it takes to put on a program. As a viewer it is easy to get lost in what happens on the screen and forget about the behind the scene requirements. Let me say that I was impressed by the number of people and the amount of energy it took to create a live broadcast that went off without a hitch. The crew at HARPO/OWN is fueled by a sincere desire to present excellence. There were so many people who were not seen yet who worked like Christmas elves to ensure that what the viewers saw was flawless. The set designers, the lightening engineers, the stage hands, the security guards, the camera personnel, even the caterers, worked with a spirit of kindness, professionalism and excellence. Trust me when I say it does not always look like that backstage. In this instance, however, I could feel the level of commitment and respect required to insure that every aspect of the production was addressed with excellence. It was an awesome experience!
So, why am I sharing this with you, the readers of this blog? The first reason is because I think it is important that people understand that I am a real person, with real feelings. I am painfully aware of how easy it is for folks to put you on a pedestal when you are a public person. There seems to be an imaginary line of demarcation which places public people over “there” and the rest of the world someplace else. Nothing could be further from the truth. What public people do is their work in the world. The fame and fortune of it does not make public personalities any different or better than the rest of the human race. Public personalities have weaknesses and challenges and experiences just like you. I for one am willing to acknowledge and celebrate my humanness. It is, after all, what keeps me grounded.
The other reason I am sharing my experience about Life Class is because of what I shared in the beginning. I am experiencing such deep gratitude, humility and excitement about what is going on in my life, the world and, in my experience with OWN that I just had to share it. Nothing more and nothing less.
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About Iyanla Vanzant:
Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.
Iyanla has recently appeared several times during Oprah’s Lifeclass webcast segments. You can view the classes here: http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/oprahs-lifeclass.html
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Written by Iyanla
Iyanla Vanzant, accomplished author, inspirational speaker, talk show host and living testament to the value in life’s valleys and the power of acting on faith, goes behind closed doors and deep inside people’s lives for emotional, riveting conversations in the new hit series- Iyanla: Fix My Life
Iyanla has had a unique life filled with many personal struggles, which she has overcome and used to become stronger. Now, she’s back, helping people fix their lives, using her past to help others’ futures. Secrets will be revealed, truths will be uncovered and emotions will come out as Iyanla teaches us how to pull back the curtain on what is broken in our lives.
Iyanla: Fix My Life is produced by Harpo Studios. Join the conversation on Twitter using #FixMyLife
10 comments
Your Lifeclass was so uplifting and enlightening. I was privileged to have my 17 year old daughter watch with me. It’s a testament to your gift that she was drawn to the show. I didn’t expect her to be interested. Your work with Steve touched her immensely as her own father has struggled with addiction. It helped her understand his struggle more and to relate to the difficult path of recovery.
Thanks so much for all you do. You are helping and healing!
I am moved beyond words by your genuine spirit and knowledge of the human spirit. I almost wish you could be a part of each life class. You words are inspirational and motivating. So many of us these days are at a crossroads in our lives, myself included and your words about being “addicted to my story” struck the most raw nerve…one I never knew I had. It changed my life! I look forward to more from you…and thank you from the bottom of my heart for waking up MY spirit. The challanges that lay before me in my immediate future are the most difficult, but now I will manage them with the sound of your voice in my ear. I am making a new story…thank you!
Iyanla,
Thank you for sharing with us all your first hand experience. It is because of your relationship with Ms. O and the whole OWN family that I have been inspired to reach out and hopefully have my vision for promoting peace realized. Your walk is divine. I salute your ability to overcome your challenges and to share openly with us all, showing what it takes to feel, deal and heal!
I am sending you much love and light for the gifts you have given me and so many others throughout the years. Thank you for your courage, devotion and hard work. May you always be surrounded by people who love you and inspire you to grow.
Thank you Iyanla, you just showed us what a great human being you are and how greatness rests in humility! You are touching and healing so many people that you cannot imagine right now and maybe will never will beacuse is impossible to receive everyone’s testimony but as we will see, once you start your OWN show the ratings will increase inmensely and that will give you an slightly idea (some people DVR the show and watch it later, over and over and I am not sure if this could be rated). Don’t you worry about your big butt because once you open your big mouse, all the attention goes to the greatness of your wisdom! You have been blessed, you’re a blessing to others and only blessings are on your way HOME! Infinite love and gratitude!
I am writing to you regarding our discussion on Lifeclass. I wanted to explain my story to you. First off I was overwhelmed just by being in the presence of you and Oprah. I\’ve never done anything like this before in my life and it was really the first time that I ever really opened up about my emotions.
I grew up in a very abusive and negative household, my parents were both drug abusers and while my father was present in my life, you were absolutely correct about the fact that I did not receive the love or support from him. I wasn\’t Daddy\’s little girl, I never heard him tell me that I was beautiful or even worthy. I was taught that my dreams, hopes and aspirations would never happen, they were just dreams and didn\’t happen to people like us.
At the age of fifteen I tried to commit suicide. I did not want to die, but I wanted to be HEARD. I wanted them to feel the pain I was going through and it took that drastic measure for them to finally LISTEN. I was ordered by the state to be removed from my home and unless someone took me in I would have to be put into foster care. Fortunately I had my aunt and uncle take me with them. They were my savior\’s and showered me with lots of love and support. At the time they took me in I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety. I couldn\’t sleep or eat. I dropped down to 98 pounds. I\’ve dealt with it by feeling unworthy, feeling like I deserve the pain and most of all disliking myself. I have two younger brothers that are also going through their own way of coping. One of my brothers is incarcerated because he\’s a heroin addict and my other brother is an alcoholic, he\’s very bitter, angry and violent.
I have never been in a real relationship with a man or received unconditional love from any man. It started with my father and now I feel like here\’s another man (my son) in my life and he doesn\’t want me either. The rejection has been hard for me to accept especially from my son. Autism robs a child and the parent of emotion. It\’s a very cruel diagnosis and unless you\’ve experienced it, you will never understand. Noah is the hardest working little boy I know. He works so hard all week long just so that he can \"fit\" in with society. I love Noah, I just don\’t love autism. I\’m not only learning how to be a first time mother, but I\’m also trying to understand and embrace what autism is.
As I think back to my time with you and Oprah, I get upset at myself because there was so much I wanted to say, but I couldn\’t get it out. It took a lot for me to open up and be honest about what I was feeling. I understood everything you said to me. I asked to be a mom and now I\’m a mom. You asked me who I was angry with and I answered that I was angry with myself, I\’ve wasted so many years being angry and I\’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. You asked me who\’s love was I trying to get and I answered my own, because Iyanla I don\’t have self love, I have no self-esteem. You told me it wasn\’t about me, but it IS about me right now. If I can\’t find love for myself how can I give anyone the best of me? When you asked me why I wanted a child I answered because I didn\’t want to be alone anymore and that\’s only part of the truth. I wanted a child because I wanted to give and to receive UNCONDITIONAL love. I wanted a child because the bond between a mother and a child is immeasurable.
When Oprah asked me if I love Noah I answered the TRUTH. I do love Noah and you questioned my love for him, you asked me why my eyes don\’t light up when he enters the room. How would you know that my eyes don\’t light up? Are you with me on a daily basis to know that? I reached out for help because I wanted to learn how to let go of the pain. I wanted to find a way to heal my heart and my soul from two people that I respect and admire so much. I want Noah to have the best of me.
You mentioned that you were concerned about Noah and the energy I was bringing to him. You also mentioned your friend that taught an autistic child how to walk, talk, do puzzles, etc. Do you know that\’s what I do 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Did you know that Noah has been in therapy since he was 18 months old? Did you know that he had 20 hours a week of therapy at home? Do you know that I have had to fight everyday to get Noah the education and therapy he deserves? Did you know that? Your advice and resolution to me was to give my son up.
I can tell you that my \"vision\" was to go on this show to get the help I so desperately want and need to fix myself and let go of my pain so that I could be the best mom I could be to Noah. I want guidance, I want an answer. I was hoping that you could enlighten me on how to love MYSELF. Instead I walked away feeling more broken, judged and once again misunderstood.
I came back home still stuck and addicted to my story, I feel no resolve or positivity. I came back to people feeling pity for me, feeling angry at what they saw and for the people that KNOW me reassuring me that I am a good mom, when that was NEVER a doubt in my mind. I\’m doing the best I can with the situation and circumstances that I\’m in. I\’m a single, unemployed, temporarily out of cash, broken women. If I knew back then what I know now, I would never have written that letter to Lifeclass. I asked a question in my original letter to Oprah, a question that I still have no answer to…\"Oprah how do I find the strength to reach for that oxygen mask so that I can help MYSELF and I can therefore be a better person and the best mother I can be for my son?\"
Sincerely,
Laura Olivieri
BTW…Below is a poem someone wrote about how it feels to be a parent to a special needs child…..
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It\’s like this……
When you\’re going to have a baby, it\’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It\’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, \"Welcome to Holland.\"
\"Holland?!?\" you say. \"What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I\’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I\’ve dreamed of going to Italy.\"
But there\’s been a change in the flight plan. They\’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven\’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It\’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It\’s just a different place. It\’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you\’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt\’s.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they\’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say \"Yes, that\’s where I was supposed to go. That\’s what I had planned.\"
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.
But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn\’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland
Hello, My name is Angelique I am a mother of five who has gone through a lot in 16 years. I’m trying now to find my way back to being the woman I used to be. I’m just now learning about what you do at Inner Visions. I’m in desperate need of help I’ve trying to find a place to help me. I would love to share my story with you. I read your story and I think your a wonderful person and what you do for people is beautiful.
Dr. Vanzant, I am truly humbled knowing that I am a reflection of you, you are a reflection of me, and we two reflect the Divine. Thank you, and Bless you. Namaste
Wow, I just saw the interview with you and Oprah. I’ve learned so much by watching you talk with Oprah about the conflict you guys had. Hats off to you for doing that.
Hi There!
Guess who it is? : )
I will google “Stand with Steve” every now and then and see what is going on and what might be new or what I have missed and to my surprise I found this great article!
I remember that day all too well and Iyanla literally saved my life for I was in so much pain! She picked up on some things within me so quickly it floored me.
She truly has a gift and I am so grateful she shared it with me. I have so much I can say but the Bottom line is She gave me a Whole new Life!
And I Thank Her!
Steve Dorsey