The room is full but for me it may as well have been empty. All I can hear is white noise, were they talking to me? Why would they want to talk to me? Someone asks me if I am ok but the voice seems so far away, somewhat like a distant echo. I am stuck within my mind. Why does the world not stop turning, there is nothing out there but pain and sorrow.
All of a sudden the room becomes full, people crowding in on me, judging me. The evil within me must be so very apparent. I was the one that allowed the abuse; I could have stopped it in a heartbeat. But I was far too weak. Part of my suggested treatment was to get out more, to mix with others.
How could I do that?
How can I share the complete and utter despair I was feeling?
I didn’t feel the need to do so. Why look for an ear to share with, when you already have the ear of the one person you fear – the Bogeyman. Was he not just a childhood apparition? How could he possibly follow me on and in to adulthood? But there he was sitting on my shoulder.
The above situation I am sure to some may feel like a mirrored speculum, shadowed within your own thoughts. For each of us the refection may appear differently, which matters none. Our goal is to be able to look into that mirror, and not to be ashamed at the hateful person looking back at you as I felt.
This is achievable to that I bear witness; we just need to alter our attitude, change our behaviour from that of a victim to that of a survivor. Realise the strength you needed has always been there deep inside of you. You can and will come through this triumphantly, because I believe in you……..
There’s a fine line writen by Teresa Joyce