My wife has the power of Lynx medicine, and I’m really glad she does. There’s no point in trying to hide anything from her, because – in effect – I’m just trying to hide it from myself, trying to keep something under insulation. It begs the question, “Who am I trying to snow, anyway?”
Lynx medicine is about knowing people’s secrets, but – Lynx being so silent – not necessarily revealing them. It’s most effective if the person with the secret reveals it themselves. People with Lynx medicine have an uncanny knack for getting people to do just that. Imagine Rabbit under the snow. It’s hidden, it’s ‘secret’, but it hears Lynx coming. It waits and waits, imagining that Lynx will find it. Pretty soon, it can’t take it anymore, and it bolts. The fear of keeping a secret can be far greater than the fear of revealing it.
Jenny came into the room. She’d been guided to ask me, “Where do you want to be?” and “Who do you want to be with?” She said that she wasn’t sure why she was asking those specific questions, but the word ‘uncertainty’ was connected in some way.
Now, in the last few years at least, I’d been really good at manifesting the big picture, Love, but the day-to-day stuff, not so much. Our conversation included why it was that whenever we were together, our ability to manifest financial abundance went down the tubes. Whenever we spend time physically apart, we manage to have more than enough, but put us together, and we end up exhausting our resources until we’re scrambling to make ends meet. Hmmm…
As we were talking, a vision of a past life that I’d investigated months before came to me. At that moment, Jenny was asking me why I was avoiding her gaze. As much as I tried to come up with any other reason (read: ‘untruth’), her keen instincts were patiently watching for Rabbit (~ fear). She sensed that there was somewhere that I was afraid of going (by the way, the upside of Rabbit medicine is that it’s incredibly ‘productive’). My belly was not comfortable. I was not comfortable. I thought about what I’d normally suggest to someone at this point when they were in a healing session with me: ‘lean into it‘. I started to tell Jenny the story of this particular past life.
My original question/reason for my journey was, in fact, “Why do I have so much trouble manifesting financial abundance?” I thought that I’d resolved everything in it, but – as I mentioned – it seems that I’d resolved it for only half the time, the half when I was not around Jenny. I’d accessed it in a drum journey/meditation. It went something like this:
I asked my guides to take me where I needed to go. Once I’d gotten ‘settled’, I looked down towards my legs. That usually gives me an idea of who I am. I saw that I was walking briskly down a reddish-brown, dirt road. I had my ‘business’ shoes and pants on. I asked myself a question about where I was going, and was presented with, “To kick a poor black family out of their home.” I had the distinct impression that this was not the only family I’d done this to. I was incredulous. I thought, “How could I do such a thing? What would drive me to do such an ugly, heinous thing?”
I was guided to look five years back. My wife had died. I’d loved her intensely. I saw cotton, a mansion, and harvested fields. I’d been the son of a wealthy plantation family. I was the heir; I’d wanted for nothing. My wife had died, but instead of allowing myself to feel the pain of it, I got mean. I exerted my rage on the people who were beholden to me, ‘beneath’ me. The harvest was done, and I was turfing them. I didn’t need them any more. Although it had been a good harvest this particular year, I’d made it so that they were indebted to me financially. I hid behind the fact that I had ‘legal recourse‘, in order to vent my rage.
Just then, I saw an image of an angelic ‘little brown boy’. Even though he and his family were getting kicked out of their home with nothing, his spirit was not diminished. He was an inspiration to everyone around him. Again, I say, ‘angelic‘. Something about the boy awakened me to what I was doing. He was unaffected by my rage; it wasn’t having any affect on him. He even had love for me! As ‘small’ as he was, I realized how truly weak I was in comparison. All my money, all my aggression meant nothing. I felt my pain all at once. I crashed, plummeted. I took my own life. I saw what I’d seen then as I was falling from a cliff towards rocks and frothy water: my wife’s arms, in spirit, reaching out to welcome me.
As I was recounting this to a good friend at the time, he said, “You know, I’ve never told anyone this because it seemed like such a silly thing to say, but since I was young – and especially now that I’m so big (tall) – I’ve always thought, But I’m a little brown boy. What am I doing in this huge, white body?” I was stunned. I just stared at him. As is his way, he immediately added, “ I forgive you!” (Is it any wonder why I Love that man as much as I do?)
It seemed pretty obvious, then, why it was that I would have kept myself from having money in this life. I didn’t trust myself not to abuse it. And I thought that – with my friend’s forgiveness and the other work I’d done on myself since – it’d been resolved. I know myself much better now. I’ve come here to love, and I’m well able to express that when I have money. But as I said, I’ve only been able to manifest it when Jenny and I have not been together (at one point, we’d lived separately for six months until I made/saved enough to join her).
Jenny asked me what I was feeling. I had to admit to myself that there was something to the fact that I couldn’t look at her as I spoke. I hesitated for the longest time, but finally said, “I’m mad at you, but I don’t understand why.“ Anger represents other emotions that have been pushed down (‘under the snow‘). Thankfully, Jenny knows just how far to push me. She replied to me with, “You’re mad at me because I left you.“ I tried to tell her that I thought that was ridiculous. Then she asked me to look into her beautiful green eyes, and she just sat watching me, silently, patiently… and then, Rabbit bolted. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I exclaimed, “When I have money, Love goes away! YOU go AWAY! I don’t want you to leave me again!”
I thought, “Where did that come from? I don’t even know what that means.” When I could manage it, we loosed our embrace and talked it over.
I’d been able to forgive myself for how I’d hurt the families and the boy I’d tried to vent on. I hadn’t forgiven (Jenny) for ‘leaving’ me, and I’d associated us being together and having money as leading to not only her eventual absence (and my misery), but the appearance of a side of myself I couldn‘t stomach, and eventually, my own death. It didn’t matter that I had an awareness that, in spirit, we plan the lessons/experiences we need for ourselves; I’d still held the emotional reality of my experience in the physical memory of my body.
I have my emotions to thank for getting me here. I have the shadow of Rabbit (awareness of my fears) to thank for getting me here. And I have my beautiful, green-eyed, Lynx-medicine twin flame to thank for getting me here.
Big Medicine Love to You
~ Black Feather
I am not your teacher. Your heart called me here to remind you that you are your teacher.